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Always tell the truth then you don't have to remember anything

Mark Twain

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Mark Twain
Age: 74 †
Born: 1835
Born: November 30
Died: 1910
Died: April 21
Aphorist
Author
Autobiographer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Opinion Journalist
Prosaist
Science Fiction Writer
Teacher
Florida
Missouri
Samuel Langhorne Clemens
Samuel L. Clemens
Samuel Clemens
Honesty
Inspiration
Tell
Truth
Remember
Anything
Always

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I think I can say, and say with pride, that we have some legislatures that bring higher prices than any in the world.
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The past does not repeat itself, but it rhymes.
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I was educated, I was trained, I was a Presbyterian and I knew how these things are done. I knew that in Biblical times if a man committed a sin the extermination of the whole surrounding nation-cattle and all-was likely to happen. I knew that Providence was not particular about the rest, so that He got somebody connected with the one He was after.
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Humorists of the 'mere' sort cannot survive. Humor is only a fragrance, a decoration.
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Sometimes too much to drink is barely enough.
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When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I cannot remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to go to pieces like this but we all have to do it.
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The old Irish when immersing a babe at baptism left out the right arm so that it would remain pagan for good fighting
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... an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often picturesque liar.
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Men are like bank accounts. The more money, the more interest they generate.
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High and fine literature is wine, and mine is only water but everybody likes water.
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Ethical man: A Christian holding four aces.
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I should be sorry to think it was the publishers themselves they got up this entire little flutter to enable them to unload a book that was taking too much room in their cellars, but you can never tell what a publisher will do. I have been one myself.
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If you have to swallow a frog, don't stare at it too long.
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When you catch an adjective, kill it. No, I don't mean utterly, but kill most of them--then the rest will be valuable. They weaken when they are close together. They give strength when they are far apart.
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When the world is made to be idiot-proof, the world will become overpopulated with idiots.
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Old habits cannot be thrown out the upstairs window. They have to be coaxed downstairs one step at a time.
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Jim said that bees won't sting idiots, but I didn't believe that, because I tried them lots of times myself and they wouldn't sting me.
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Most writers regard the truth as their most valuable possession, and therefore are most economical in its use.
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Conductor, when you receive a fare, Punch in the presence of the passenjare. A blue trip slip for an eight-cent fare, A buff trip slip for a six-cent fare, A pink trip slip for a three-cent fare, Punch in the presence of the passenjare! Punch, brothers! punch with care! Punch in the presence of the passenjare!
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The humorous story is American, the comic story is English, the witty story is French. The humorous story depends for its effect upon the manner of the tellingthe comic and the witty story upon the matter.
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