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Go and surprise the whole country by doing something right.

Mark Twain

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Mark Twain
Age: 74 †
Born: 1835
Born: November 30
Died: 1910
Died: April 21
Aphorist
Author
Autobiographer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Opinion Journalist
Prosaist
Science Fiction Writer
Teacher
Florida
Missouri
Samuel Langhorne Clemens
Samuel L. Clemens
Samuel Clemens
Surprise
Whole
Country
Right
Something

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I pledged myself to smoke but one cigar a day. I kept the cigar waiting until bedtime, then I had a luxurious time with it. But desire persecuted me every day and all day long. I found myself hunting for larger cigars...within the month my cigar had grown to such proportions I could have used it as a crutch.
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Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.
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When in doubt tell the truth.
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Every man is a moon and has a side which he turns toward nobody: you have to slip around behind it if you want to see it.
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That optimist of yours is always ready to turn hell's backyard into a play-ground.
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Old habits cannot be thrown out the upstairs window. They have to be coaxed downstairs one step at a time.
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Censorship is telling a man he can't have a steak just because a baby can't chew it.
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A pessimist is a well-informed optimist.
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The reason most people don't go to church is because they've already been.
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When a library expels a book of mine and leaves an unexpurgated Bible lying around where unprotected youth and age can get hold of it, the deep unconscious irony of it delights me and doesn't anger me.
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Who knows, he may grow up to be President someday, unless they hang him first! Aunt Polly about Tom Sawyer
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There is only one good sex. The female one.
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If you have nothing to say, say nothing.
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Distance lends enchantment to the view.
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To write without pay until somebody offers pay. If nobody offers pay within three years, the candidate may look upon this circumstance with the most implicit confidence as the sign that sawing wood is what he was intended for.
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No God and no religion can survive ridicule. No political church, no nobility, no royalty or other fraud, can face ridicule in a fair field, and live.
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The more I learn about people, the more I like my dog.
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On with the dance, let the joy be unconfined.
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Education: that which reveals to the wise, and conceals from the stupid, the vast limits of their knowledge.
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The old man laughed loud and joyously, shook up the details of his anatomy from head to foot, and ended by saying that such a laugh was money in a man's pocket, because it cut down the doctor's bills like everything.
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