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The nation is divided, half patriots and half traitors, and no man can tell which from which.

Mark Twain

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Mark Twain
Age: 74 †
Born: 1835
Born: November 30
Died: 1910
Died: April 21
Aphorist
Author
Autobiographer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Opinion Journalist
Prosaist
Science Fiction Writer
Teacher
Florida
Missouri
Samuel Langhorne Clemens
Samuel L. Clemens
Samuel Clemens
Traitor
Patriot
Divided
Nation
Nations
Half
Tell
Traitors
Men
Patriots

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It's not the parts of the Bible I don't know that worries me...it's the parts that I do.
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Who knows, he may grow up to be President someday, unless they hang him first! Aunt Polly about Tom Sawyer
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Being rich ain't what it's cracked up to be. It's just worry and worry, and sweat and sweat, and a-wishing you was dead all the time.
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When the end of the world comes, I want to be in Kentucky, because everything there happens 20 years after it happens anywhere else.
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Where every man in a state has a vote, brutal laws are impossible.
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We consider that any man who can fiddle all through one of those Virginia Reels without losing his grip may be depended upon in any kind of musical emergency.
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The reason why truth is so much stranger than fiction is that there is no requirement for it to be consistent.
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Climate is what we expect, weather is what we get.
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[I] shall never use profanity except in discussing house rent and taxes. Indeed, upon second thought, I will not use it then, for it is unchristian, inelegant, and degrading--though to speak truly I do not see how house rent and taxes are going to be discussed worth a cent without it.
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The exquisitely bad is as satisfying to the soul as the exquisitely good. Only the mediocre is unendurable.
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The vast majority of the race whether savage or civilized, are secretly kind at heart and shrink from inflicting pain, but in the presence of the aggressive and pitiless minority they don't dare to assert themselves.
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Explaining humor is a lot like dissecting a frog, you learn a lot in the process, but in the end you kill it.
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A monarch, when good, is entitled to the consideration which we accord to a pirate who keeps Sunday School between crimes when bad, he is entitled to none at all.
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I begin to see that a man's got to be in his own heaven to be happy.
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Genius has no youth, but starts with the ripeness of age and old experience.
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Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do. Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do.
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Golden rule: Made of hard metal so it could stand severe wear, it not being known at that time that butter would answer.
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What a wee little part of a person's life are his acts and his words! His real life is led in his head, and is known to none but himself.
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These people´s God has shown them by a million acts that he respects none of the Bible´s statues. He breaks every one of them himself, adultery and all.
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