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The nation is divided, half patriots and half traitors, and no man can tell which from which.

Mark Twain

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Mark Twain
Age: 74 †
Born: 1835
Born: November 30
Died: 1910
Died: April 21
Aphorist
Author
Autobiographer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Opinion Journalist
Prosaist
Science Fiction Writer
Teacher
Florida
Missouri
Samuel Langhorne Clemens
Samuel L. Clemens
Samuel Clemens
Traitor
Patriot
Divided
Nation
Nations
Half
Tell
Traitors
Men
Patriots

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His money is twice tainted: taint yours and taint mine.
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We like to read about rich people in the newspapers the papers know it, and they do their best to keep this appetite liberally fed.
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He has been a doctor a year now and has had two patients - no, three, I think - yes, it was three I attended their funerals.
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Epitaphs are cheap, and they do a poor chap a world of good after he is dead, especially if he had hard luck while he was alive. I wish they were used more.
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I have spent most of my time worrying about things that have never happened. Worrying is not an action! In fact, it is action that alleviates concern and dissipates worries. Take more actions when you feel that worry is creeping in to steal your time. It need not be a huge action, any action in the direction you want to go will do.
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The difference between a Miracle and a Fact is exactly the difference between a mermaid and a seal.
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Self-approval is acquired mainly from the approval of other people.
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Whiskey is for drinking water is for fighting over.
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There are 869 different forms of lying, but only one of them has been squarely forbidden. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor.
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If you invent two or three people and turn them loose in your manuscript, something is bound to happen to them -- you can't help it and then it will take you the rest of the book to get them out of the natural consequences of that occurrence, and so first thing you know, there's your book all finished up and never cost you an idea.
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How stunning are the changes which age makes in a man while he sleeps!
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None but an ass pays a compliment and asks a favour at the same time. There are many asses.
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Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain't that a big enough majority in any town?
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Many people have the reasoning facility, but no one uses it in religious matters.
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If God is what people say there can be no one in the universe so unhappy as He for He sees unceasingly myriads of His creatures suffering unspeakable miseries--and besides this foresees how they are going to suffer during the remainder of their lives. One might as well say, As unhappy as God.
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I have been an author for 20 years and an ass for 55.
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The report of my death was an exaggeration.
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A banquet is probably the most fatiguing thing in the world except ditchdigging. It is the insanest of all recreations. The inventor of it overlooked no detail that could furnish weariness, distress, harassment, and acute and long-sustained misery of mind and body.
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There are several kinds of stories, but only one difficult kind-the humorous.
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Tomorrow night I appear for the first time before a Boston audience - 4000 critics.
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