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When the end of the world comes, I want to be in Kentucky, because everything there happens 20 years after it happens anywhere else.

Mark Twain

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Mark Twain
Age: 74 †
Born: 1835
Born: November 30
Died: 1910
Died: April 21
Aphorist
Author
Autobiographer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Opinion Journalist
Prosaist
Science Fiction Writer
Teacher
Florida
Missouri
Samuel Langhorne Clemens
Samuel L. Clemens
Samuel Clemens
Ends
Everything
Years
World
Kentucky
Anywhere
Comes
Else
Happens

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When one reads Bibles, one is less surprised at what the Deity knows than at what He doesn't know.
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It may be called the Master Passion, the hunger for self-approval.
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If I cannot smoke in heaven, then I shall not go.
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Damn the subjunctive. It brings all our writers to shame.
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The pulpit and the optimist are always talking about the human race's steady march toward ultimate perfection. As usual, they leave out the statistics. It is the pulpit's way - the optimist's way.
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I respect a man who knows how to spell a word more than one way.
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The more things are forbidden, the more popular they become.
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It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech. Overnight success is a fallacy. It is preceded by a great deal of preparation. Ask any successful person how they came to this point in their lives, and they will have a story to tell.
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Blasphemy? No, it is not blashphemy. If God is as vast as that, he is above blasphemy if he is as little as that, He is beneath it.
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We recognize that there are no trivial occurrences in life if we get the right focus on them.
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I have spent most of my time worrying about things that have never happened. Worrying is not an action! In fact, it is action that alleviates concern and dissipates worries. Take more actions when you feel that worry is creeping in to steal your time. It need not be a huge action, any action in the direction you want to go will do.
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History has tried hard to teach us that we can't have good government under politicians. Now, to go and stick one at the very head of the government couldn't be wise.
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Habit is habit and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed downstairs a step at a time. You cannot eliminate habits that no longer serve you. You can only replace them with new habits that support your goals. Moment by moment, you need to live with awareness and structure the habits that you include or exclude in your days.
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The piano may do for love-sick girls who lace themselves to skeletons, and lunch on chalk, pickles and slate pencils, but give me the banjo.
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Conformity—the natural instinct to passively yield to that vague something recognized as authority.
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Many people have the reasoning facility, but no one uses it in religious matters.
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