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When the end of the world comes, I want to be in Kentucky, because everything there happens 20 years after it happens anywhere else.

Mark Twain

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Mark Twain
Age: 74 †
Born: 1835
Born: November 30
Died: 1910
Died: April 21
Aphorist
Author
Autobiographer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Opinion Journalist
Prosaist
Science Fiction Writer
Teacher
Florida
Missouri
Samuel Langhorne Clemens
Samuel L. Clemens
Samuel Clemens
Comes
Else
Happens
Ends
Everything
Years
World
Kentucky
Anywhere

More quotes by Mark Twain

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There is no family in America without a clock, and consequently there is no fair pretext for the usual Sunday medley of dreadful sounds that issues from our steeples.
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I cannot see how a man of any large degree of humorous perception can ever be religious -- unless he purposely shut the eyes of his mind & keep them shut by force.
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When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
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I bring you this stately matron named Christendom, returning bedraggled, besmirched, and dishonored from pirate raids in Kiao-Chow, Manchuria, South Africa, and the Phillipines, with her soul full of meanness, her pocket full of boodle, and her mouth full of pious hypocrisies. Give her soap and a towel, but hide the looking-glass.
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Human Beings are the only animals that blush, or need to.
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Sacred cows make the best hamburger.
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Laughter is the greatest weapon we have and we, as humans, use it the least.
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When I take up one of Jane Austen's books ... I feel like a barkeep entering the kingdom of heaven. I know what his sensation would be and his private comments. He would not find the place to his taste, and he would probably say so.
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Fame is a vapor, popularity an accident the only earthly certainty is oblivion.
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First catch your Boer, then kick him.
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I have always been rather better treated in San Francisco than I actually deserved.
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A woman springs a sudden reproach upon you which provokes a hot retort, and then she will presently ask you to apologize.
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Wheresoever she was, there was Eden.
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People are much more willing to lend you books than bookcases.
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Work is a necessary evil to be avoided.
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There is a sumptuous variety about the New England weather... In the spring I have counted one hundred and twenty-six different kinds of weather inside of four and twenty hours.
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The Mississippi River will always have its own way no engineering skill can persuade it to do otherwise.
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The less there is to justify a traditional custom, the harder it is to get rid of it
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God, so atrocious in the Old Testament, so attractive in the New--the Jekyl and Hyde of sacred romance.
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I was warned to stop smoking, which I did, for two or three days, but it was too lonesome, and I have resumed - in a modified way - 4 smokes a day instead of 40. This will have a good effect. On the bank balance.
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