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My father was a Saint Bernard, my mother was a Collie, but I am a Presbyterian.

Mark Twain

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Mark Twain
Age: 74 †
Born: 1835
Born: November 30
Died: 1910
Died: April 21
Aphorist
Author
Autobiographer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Opinion Journalist
Prosaist
Science Fiction Writer
Teacher
Florida
Missouri
Samuel Langhorne Clemens
Samuel L. Clemens
Samuel Clemens
Father
Mother
Collies
Presbyterian
Presbyterians
Bernard
Saint
Dog

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When one has tasted watermelon he knows what the angels eat.
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isn't so astonishing, the number of things that I can remember, as the number of things I can remember that aren't so.
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People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either being made.
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My mind changes often ... People who have no mind can easily be steadfast and firm, but when a man is loaded down to the guards with it, as I am, every heavy sea of foreboding or inclination, maybe of indolence, shifts the cargo.
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There is no character, howsoever good and fine, but it can be destroyed by ridicule, howsoever poor and witless.
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The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money.
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Damn the subjunctive. It brings all our writers to shame.
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The humorous writer professes to awaken and direct your love, your pity, your kindness--your scorn for untruth, pretension, imposture....He takes upon himself to be the week-day preacher.
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We are all beggars, each in his own way.
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Each man is afraid of his neighbor's disapproval - a thing which, to the general run of the human race, is more dreaded than wolves and death.
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It takes some little time to accept and realize the fact that while you have been growing old, your friends have not been standing still, in that matter.
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Humor, to be comprehensible to anybody, must be built upon a foundation with which he is familiar. If he can't see the foundation the superstructure is to him merely a freak -- like the Flatiron building without any visible means of support -- something that ought to be arrested.
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I don't mind what the opposition say of me so long as they don't tell the truth about me. But when they descend to telling the truth about me I consider that this is taking an unfair advantage.
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In religion and politics, people's belief's and convictions are in almost every case gotten at second hand, and without examination
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Apparently one of the most uncertain things in the world is the funeral of a religion.
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It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
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Remember this, take this to heart, live by it, die for it if necessary: that our patriotism is medieval, outworn, obsolete that the modern patriotism, the true patriotism, the only rational patriotism, is loyalty to the Nation ALL the time, loyalty to the Government when it deserves it.
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A historian who would convey the truth has got to lie. Often he must enlarge the truth by diameters, otherwise his reader would not be able to see it.
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I don't speak German well but several experts have assured me that I write it like an angel. Maybe so, maybe so- I don't know. I've not yet made any acquaintances among the angels. That comes later, whenever it please the Deity. I'm not in any hurry.
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It is not what a man knows, but what he thinks of in time.
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