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My father was a Saint Bernard, my mother was a Collie, but I am a Presbyterian.

Mark Twain

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Mark Twain
Age: 74 †
Born: 1835
Born: November 30
Died: 1910
Died: April 21
Aphorist
Author
Autobiographer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Opinion Journalist
Prosaist
Science Fiction Writer
Teacher
Florida
Missouri
Samuel Langhorne Clemens
Samuel L. Clemens
Samuel Clemens
Dog
Father
Mother
Collies
Presbyterian
Presbyterians
Bernard
Saint

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It is a mistake that there is no bath that will cure people's manners, but drowning would help.
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The equator was wisely put where it is, because if it had been run through Europe all the kings would have tried to grab it.
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If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
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Next you'd see a raft sliding by, away off yonder, and maybe a galoot on it chopping. . . you'd see the ax flash and come down-you don't hear nothing you see the ax go up again, and by the time it's above the man's head then you hear the k'chunk!-it had took all that time to come over the water.
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Wheresoever she was, there was Eden.
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There are some natures which never grow large enough to speak out and say a bad act is a bad act, until they have inquired into the politics or the nationality of the man who did it.
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There are people who think that honesty is always the best policy. This is a superstition. There are times when the appearance of it is worth six of it.
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It has taken a weary long time to persuade American Presbyterians to give up infant damnation and try to bear it the best they can.
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History has tried hard to teach us that we can't have good government under politicians. Now, to go and stick one at the very head of the government couldn't be wise.
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More than once I have been humiliated by my resemblance to God the father He is always longing for the love of His children and trying to get it on the cheapest and laziest terms He can invent.
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Explaining humor is a lot like dissecting a frog, you learn a lot in the process, but in the end you kill it.
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The humorous story is American, the comic story is English, the witty story is French. The humorous story depends for its effect upon the manner of the tellingthe comic and the witty story upon the matter.
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Names are not always what they seem. The common Welsh name Bzjxxllwcp is pronounced Jackson.
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You perceive, now, that these things are all impossible except in a dream. You perceive that they are pure and puerile insanities, the silly creations of an imagination that is not conscious of its freaks - in a word, that they are a dream, and you the maker of it. The dream-marks are all present you should have recognized them earlier.
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Of the delights of this world man cares most for sexual intercourse.
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Newport, Rhode Island, that breeding place-that stud farm, so to speak-of aristocracy aristocracy of the American type.
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