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My advice to girls: first, don't smoke - to excess second, don't drink - to excess third, don't marry - to excess.

Mark Twain

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Mark Twain
Age: 74 †
Born: 1835
Born: November 30
Died: 1910
Died: April 21
Aphorist
Author
Autobiographer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Opinion Journalist
Prosaist
Science Fiction Writer
Teacher
Florida
Missouri
Samuel Langhorne Clemens
Samuel L. Clemens
Samuel Clemens
Girls
Advice
Marriage
Drink
Excess
Second
Marry
Girl
Third
Firsts
Smoke
First
Thirds

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Your actions speak so much louder than words.
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I would not read the proof of one of my books for any fair & reasonable sum whatever, if I could get out of it. The proof-reading on the P & Pauper cost me the last rags of my religion.
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That is a society editor, sitting there elegantly dressed, with his legs crossed in that indolent way, observing the clothes the ladies wear, so that he can describe them for his paper and make them out finer than they are and get bribes for it and become wealthy.
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When I was fourteen years old, I was amazed at how unintelligent my father was. By the time I turned twenty-one, I was astounded how much he had learned in the last seven years.
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Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand.
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I've dealt with many crises in my life, but few will ever happen.
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Sometimes you gwyne to git hurt, en sometimes you gwyne to git sick but every time you's gwyne to git well agin.
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In other localities certain places in the streams are much better than others, but at Niagara one place is just as good as another, for the reason that the fish do not bite anywhere.
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I could forgive the boy, now, if he'd committed a million sins!
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Better a broken promise than none at all.
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If you would beseech a blessing upon yourself, beware! lest without intent you invoke a curse upon a neighbor at the same time.
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Now and then we had a hope that if we lived and were good, God would permit us to be pirates.
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Man seems to be a rickety poor sort of thing, any way you take him a kind of British Museum of infirmities and inferiorities. He is always undergoing repairs. A machine that was as unreliable as he is would have no market.
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Give a man a reputation as an early riser and he can sleep 'til noon.
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Behind every successful man, there is a woman - And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.
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A person who won't read has no advantage over one who can't read.
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Is the human race a joke? Was it devised and patched together in a dull time when there was nothing important to do?
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You know that kind of quiver that trembles around through you when you are seeing something so strange and enchanting and wonderful that it is just a fearful joy to be alive and look at it and you know how you gaze, and your lips turn dry and your breath comes short, but you wouldn't be anywhere but there, not for the world.
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It takes some little time to accept and realize the fact that while you have been growing old, your friends have not been standing still, in that matter.
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I am able to say that while I am not ruggedly well, I am not ill enough to excite an undertaker.
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