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The gentle reader will never, never know what a consummate ass he can become until he goes abroad.

Mark Twain

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Mark Twain
Age: 74 †
Born: 1835
Born: November 30
Died: 1910
Died: April 21
Aphorist
Author
Autobiographer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Opinion Journalist
Prosaist
Science Fiction Writer
Teacher
Florida
Missouri
Samuel Langhorne Clemens
Samuel L. Clemens
Samuel Clemens
Abroad
Ass
Gentle
Travel
Reader
Goes
Consummate
Become
Never
Supposition

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In India, 'cold weather' is merely a conventional phrase and has come into use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish between weather which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which will only make it mushy.
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Some of us cannot be optimists, but all of us can be bigamists
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Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities Truth isn't.
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Loyalty to the country always. Loyalty to the government when it deserves it.
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Hero: Person in a book who does things which he can't and girl marries him for it.
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My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it.
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Where a blood relation sobs, an intimate friend should choke up, a distant acquaintance should sigh, a stranger should merely fumble sympathetically with his handkerchief.
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Man proposes, but God blocks the game.
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Between us, we cover all knowledge he knows all that can be known and I know the rest.
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It is my custom to keep on talking until I get the audience cowed.
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Start it at no particular time of your life wander at your free will all over your life talk only about the thing which interests you for the moment drop it the moment its interest threatens to pale.
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The machine has several virtues... One may lean back in his chair and work it. It piles an awful stack of words on one page. It don't muss things or scatter ink blots around.
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When the Lord finished the world, he pronounced it good. That is what I said about my first work, too. But Time, I tell you, Time takes the confidence out of these incautious opinions. It is more than likely that He thinks about the world, now, pretty much as I think about the Innocents Abroad. The fact is, there is a trifle too much water in both.
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The law of work does seem utterly unfair-but there it is, and nothing can change it: the higher the pay in enjoyment the worker gets out of it, the higher shall be his pay in cash, too.
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Let your joy be unconfined!
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If you are with the quality, or at a funeral, or trying to go to sleep when you ain't sleepy - if you are anywheres where it won't do for you to scratch, why you will itch all over in upwards of a thousand places.
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The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.
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If there is one thing that will make a man peculiarly and insufferable self-conceited, it is to have his stomach behave itself, the first day at sea, when nearly all his comrades are seasick.
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Never pick a fight with people who buy ink by the barrel.
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I said nothing of the sort.
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