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I don't know anything about this man. Anyhow, I only know two things about him. One is, he has never been in jail, and the other is, I don't know why.

Mark Twain

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Mark Twain
Age: 74 †
Born: 1835
Born: November 30
Died: 1910
Died: April 21
Aphorist
Author
Autobiographer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Opinion Journalist
Prosaist
Science Fiction Writer
Teacher
Florida
Missouri
Samuel Langhorne Clemens
Samuel L. Clemens
Samuel Clemens
Two
Anything
Things
Never
Men
Anyhow
Insult
Jail

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Guides cannot master the subtleties of the American joke.
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We don't care to eat toadstools that think they are truffles.
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Life is but a dream, a grotesque and foolish dream.
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I never made a success of a lecture delivered in a church yet. People are afraid to laugh in a church. They can't be made to do it in any possible way.
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I do not like an injurious lie, except when it injures somebody else.
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God could create the world in six days because he didn't have to make it compatible with the previous version. Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company
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There are two times in a man's life when he should not speculate: when he can't afford it, and when he can.
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The catfish is Plenty good enough fish for anyone
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when the human race is not grotesque it is because it is asleep and losing its opportunity.
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They do say that when a man starts down hill everybody is ready to help him with a kick, and I suppose it is so.
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Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.
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Time spent with your children is time wisely spent.
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To refuse awards is another way of accepting them with more noise than is normal.
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I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.
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Nature knows no indecencies man invents them.
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My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it.
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There is no such thing as a new idea. We simply take a lot of old ideas and put them into a sort of mental kaleidoscope.
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How superbly brave is the Englishman in the presence of the awfulest forms of danger and death and how abject in the presence of any and all forms of hereditary rank.
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The government is merely a servant―merely a temporary servant it cannot be its prerogative to determine what is right and what is wrong, and decide who is a patriot and who isn't. Its function is to obey orders, not originate them.
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The smallest minds and the selfishest souls and the cowardliest hearts that God makes.
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