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I can understand German as well as the maniac that invented it, but I talk it best through an interpreter.

Mark Twain

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Mark Twain
Age: 74 †
Born: 1835
Born: November 30
Died: 1910
Died: April 21
Aphorist
Author
Autobiographer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Opinion Journalist
Prosaist
Science Fiction Writer
Teacher
Florida
Missouri
Samuel Langhorne Clemens
Samuel L. Clemens
Samuel Clemens
Well
Interpreter
German
Invented
Talk
Language
Understand
Best
Maniac
Wells
Maniacs

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I should be sorry to think it was the publishers themselves they got up this entire little flutter to enable them to unload a book that was taking too much room in their cellars, but you can never tell what a publisher will do. I have been one myself.
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The Christian's Bible is a drug store. Its contents remain the same, but the medical practice changes.
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All men are ignorant, just on different subjects.
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Prediction is difficult- particularly when it involves the future.
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Few things are more irritating than when someone who is wrong is also very effective in making his point.
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Most of the things I worried about in life never happened.
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All my life I have been honest-comparatively honest. I could never use money I had not made honestly-I could only lend it.
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Seasickness: at first you are so sick you are afraid you will die, and then you are so sick you are afraid you won't die.
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I've dealt with many crises in my life, but few will ever happen.
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God only exhibits his thunder and lightning at intervals, and so they always command attention.
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Be respectful to your superiors, if you have any.
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Sum all the gifts that man is endowed with, and we give our greatest share of admiration to his energy. And today, if I were a heathen, I would rear a statue to Energy and fall down and worship it!
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The Impartial Friend: Death, the only immortal who treats us all alike, whose pity and whose peace and whose refuge are for all--the soiled and the pure, the rich and the poor, the loved and the unloved.
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Human beings seem to be a poor invention. If they are the noblest works of God where is the ignoblest?
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Have a place for everything and keep the thing somewhere else. This is not advice, it is merely custom.
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I can teach anybody how to get what they want out of life. The problem is that I can't find anybody who can tell me what they want.
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If there wasn't anything to find out, it would be dull. Even trying to find out and not finding out is just as interesting as trying to find out and finding out and I don't know but more so.
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Customs do not concern themselves with right or wrong or reason. But they have to be obeyed one reasons all around them until he is tired, but he must not transgress them, it is sternly forbidden.
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There is probably no pleasure equal to the pleasure of climbing a dangerous Alp but it is a pleasure which is confined strictly to people who can find pleasure in it.
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The calamity that comes is never the one we had prepared ourselves for.
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