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All you drunkards: Put down the intoxicating Vanity Metrics.

Mark Twain

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Mark Twain
Age: 74 †
Born: 1835
Born: November 30
Died: 1910
Died: April 21
Aphorist
Author
Autobiographer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Opinion Journalist
Prosaist
Science Fiction Writer
Teacher
Florida
Missouri
Samuel Langhorne Clemens
Samuel L. Clemens
Samuel Clemens
Intoxicating
Metrics
Drunkards
Vanity

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Imagine, if you will, that I am an idiot. Then, imagine that I am also a Congressman. But, alas, I repeat myself.
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We all like to see people sea-sick when we are not ourselves.
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The Bible is a wonderful book you can prove anything you want with it.
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Comedy keeps the heart sweet but we all know that there is wholesome refreshment for both mind and heart in an occasional climb among the pomps of the intellectual snow-summits built by Shakespeare and those others.
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Once you've put one of his [Henry James] books down, you simply can't pick it up again.
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It makes one hope and believe that a day will come when, in the eye of the law, literary property will be as sacred as whiskey, or any other of the necessaries of life. It grieves me to think how far more profound and reverent a respect the law would have for literature if a body could only get drunk on it.
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More than two hundred death penalties are gone from the law books, but the [biblical] texts that authorised them remain.
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Probably there is an imperceptible touch of something permanent that one feels instinctively to adhere to true humour, whereas wit may be the mere conversational shooting up of smartness--a bright feather, to be blown into space the second after it is launched...Wit seems to be counted a very poor relation to Humour....Humour is never artifici
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Thanksgiving day. Let us all give humble, hearty, and sincere thanks now, but the turkeys.
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As a boy, I once saw a cart of melons that sorely tempted me. I sneaked up to the cart and stole a melon. I went into the alley to devour it, but no sooner had I set my teeth into it, than I paused, a strange feeling coming over me. I came to a quick conclusion. Firmly, I walked up to that cart, replaced the melon - and took a ripe one.
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Guides cannot master the subtleties of the American joke.
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The most difficult We do not deal in facts when we are contemplating ourselves.
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We are strange beings, we seem to go free, but we go in chains - chains of training, custom, convention, association, environment - in a word, Circumstance, and against these bonds the strongest of us struggle in vain.
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I do not wish any reward but to know I have done the right thing.
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If you are with the quality, or at a funeral, or trying to go to sleep when you ain't sleepy - if you are anywheres where it won't do for you to scratch, why you will itch all over in upwards of a thousand places.
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If smoking cigars is not permitted in heaven, I won''t go.
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The only very marked difference between the average civilized man and the average savage is that the one is gilded and the other is painted.
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History doesn't repeat itself it rhymes.
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The southerner talks music.
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When an honest writer discovers an imposition it is his simple duty to strip it bare and hurl it down from its place of honor, no matter who suffers by it any other course would render him unworthy of the public confidence.
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