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All you drunkards: Put down the intoxicating Vanity Metrics.

Mark Twain

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Mark Twain
Age: 74 †
Born: 1835
Born: November 30
Died: 1910
Died: April 21
Aphorist
Author
Autobiographer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Opinion Journalist
Prosaist
Science Fiction Writer
Teacher
Florida
Missouri
Samuel Langhorne Clemens
Samuel L. Clemens
Samuel Clemens
Intoxicating
Metrics
Drunkards
Vanity

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The heart is the real fountain of youth.
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How stunning are the changes which age makes in a man while he sleeps!
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In the laboratory there are no fustian ranks, no brummagem aristocracies the domain of Science is a republic, and all its citizens are brothers and equals, its princes of Monaco and its stonemasons of Cromarty meeting, barren of man-made gauds and meretricious decorations, upon the one majestic level!
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When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I cannot remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to go to pieces like this but we all have to do it.
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The only certainties in life are death and taxes.
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Never be haughty to the humble, never be humble to the haughty.
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A better idea than my own is to listen.
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It is the will of God that we must have critics and missionaries and congressmen and humorists, and we must bear the burden
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These people´s God has shown them by a million acts that he respects none of the Bible´s statues. He breaks every one of them himself, adultery and all.
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Love seems the swiftest, but it is the slowest of growths
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Morals consist of political morals, commercial morals, ecclesiastical morals, and morals.
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Optimist: Person who travels on nothing from nowhere to happiness.
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A little starvation can really do more for the average sick man than can the best medicines and the best doctors.
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There is nothing training cannot do. Nothing is above its reach. It can turn bad morals to good it can destroy bad principles and recreate good ones it can lift men to angelship.
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Benefit of clergy: Half-rate on the railroad.
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Explaining humor is a lot like dissecting a frog, you learn a lot in the process, but in the end you kill it.
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That is just the way with some people. They get down on a thing when they don’t know nothing about it.
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There isn't any way to libel the human race.
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