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I have been an author for 20 years and an ass for 55.

Mark Twain

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Mark Twain
Age: 74 †
Born: 1835
Born: November 30
Died: 1910
Died: April 21
Aphorist
Author
Autobiographer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Opinion Journalist
Prosaist
Science Fiction Writer
Teacher
Florida
Missouri
Samuel Langhorne Clemens
Samuel L. Clemens
Samuel Clemens
Ass
Author
Funny
Years

More quotes by Mark Twain

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It is not what a man knows, but what he thinks of in time.
Mark Twain
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Never knew before what eternity was made for. It is to give some of us a chance to learn German.
Mark Twain
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When you feel like tellin a feller to go to the devil - tell him to go to Chicago - it'll anser every purpose, and is perhaps, a leetle more expensive.
Mark Twain
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It is not in the least likely that any life has ever been lived which was not a failure in the secret judgment of the person who lived it.
Mark Twain
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Among other common lies, we have the silent lie - the deception which one conveys by simply keeping still and concealing the truth. Many obstinate truth-mongers indulge in this dissipation, imagining that if they speak no lie, they lie not at all.
Mark Twain
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Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.
Mark Twain
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Now, isn't imagination a precious thing? It peoples the earth with all manner of wonders.
Mark Twain
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It takes some little time to accept and realize the fact that while you have been growing old, your friends have not been standing still, in that matter.
Mark Twain
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The cigar-box which the European calls a 'lift' needs but to be compared with our elevators to be appreciated. The lift stops to reflect between floors. That is all right in a hearse, but not in elevators. The American elevator acts like a man's patent purge-it works.
Mark Twain
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Be good and you'll be lonesome
Mark Twain
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Do one thing every day you don't want to do.
Mark Twain
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Loyalty to petrified opinion never yet broke a chain or freed a human soul.
Mark Twain
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Education: that which reveals to the wise, and conceals from the stupid, the vast limits of their knowledge.
Mark Twain
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The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why.
Mark Twain
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You can't pray a lie -- I found that out.
Mark Twain
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When politics enter into municipal government, nothing resulting therefrom in the way of crimes and infamies is then incredible. It actually enables one to accept and believe the impossible.
Mark Twain
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Religion consists in a set of things which the average man thinks he believes and wishes he was certain of.
Mark Twain
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I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know.
Mark Twain
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I didn't have time to write a short letter, so I wrote a long one instead.
Mark Twain
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One frequently only finds out how really beautiful a beautiful woman is after considerable acquaintance with her.
Mark Twain