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I have been an author for 20 years and an ass for 55.

Mark Twain

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Mark Twain
Age: 74 †
Born: 1835
Born: November 30
Died: 1910
Died: April 21
Aphorist
Author
Autobiographer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Opinion Journalist
Prosaist
Science Fiction Writer
Teacher
Florida
Missouri
Samuel Langhorne Clemens
Samuel L. Clemens
Samuel Clemens
Ass
Author
Funny
Years

More quotes by Mark Twain

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Not a single right is indestructible: a new might can at any time abolish it, hence, man possesses not a single permanent right. God is Might (and He is shifty, malicious, and uncertain).
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Don't look at the world with your hands in your pockets. To write about it you have to reach out and touch it.
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Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial 'we.'
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The best cure for Christianity is reading the Bible.
Mark Twain
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If everyone was satisfied with himself, there would be no heroes.
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A sincere compliment is always grateful to a lady, so long as you don't try to knock her down with it.
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America cannot have an empire abroad and a Republic at home.
Mark Twain
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What a wee little part of a person's life are his acts and his words! His real life is led in his head, and is known to none but himself.
Mark Twain
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Rags, wretchedness, poverty and dirt, those signs and symbols that indicate the presence of [Muslim] rule more surely than the crescent-flag itself, abound.
Mark Twain
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I have never examined the subject of humor until now. I am surprised to find how much ground it covers. I have got its divisions and frontiers down on a piece of paper. I find it defined as a production of the brain, as the power of the brain to produce something humorous, and the capacity of percieving humor.
Mark Twain
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Adam was but human—this explains it all. He did not want the apple for the apple's sake, he wanted it only because it was forbidden. The mistake was in not forbidding the serpent then he would have eaten the serpent.
Mark Twain
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If there is one thing that will make a man peculiarly and insufferable self-conceited, it is to have his stomach behave itself, the first day at sea, when nearly all his comrades are seasick.
Mark Twain
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I found out that I was a Christian for revenue only and I could not bear the thought of that, it was so ignoble.
Mark Twain
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If work were so pleasant, the rich would keep it for themselves.
Mark Twain
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Tom appeared on the sidewalk with a bucket of whitewash and a long-handled brush. He surveyed the fence, and all gladness left him and a deep melancholy settled down upon his spirit. Thirty yards of board fence nine feet high. Life to him seemed hollow, and existence but a burden.
Mark Twain
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The cigar-box which the European calls a 'lift' needs but to be compared with our elevators to be appreciated. The lift stops to reflect between floors. That is all right in a hearse, but not in elevators. The American elevator acts like a man's patent purge-it works.
Mark Twain
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It may be called the Master Passion, the hunger for self-approval.
Mark Twain
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All my life I have been honest-comparatively honest. I could never use money I had not made honestly-I could only lend it.
Mark Twain
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It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.
Mark Twain
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If I'd seen a playwright ever write an' play at the same time, I'd have given 'em more of a chance at cards. Can I get an 'amen?'
Mark Twain