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I have been an author for 20 years and an ass for 55.

Mark Twain

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Mark Twain
Age: 74 †
Born: 1835
Born: November 30
Died: 1910
Died: April 21
Aphorist
Author
Autobiographer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Opinion Journalist
Prosaist
Science Fiction Writer
Teacher
Florida
Missouri
Samuel Langhorne Clemens
Samuel L. Clemens
Samuel Clemens
Ass
Author
Funny
Years

More quotes by Mark Twain

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when the human race is not grotesque it is because it is asleep and losing its opportunity.
Mark Twain
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Are you so unobservant as not to have found out that sanity and happiness are an impossible combination?
Mark Twain
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Each of you, for himself, by himself and on his own responsibility, must speak.
Mark Twain
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Always do what is right. It will gratify half of mankind and astound the other.
Mark Twain
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Alas! those good old days are gone, when a murderer could wipe the stain from his name and soothe his trouble to sleep simply by getting out his blocks and mortar and building an addition to a church.
Mark Twain
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It is better to support schools than jails.
Mark Twain
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By common consent of all the nations and all the ages the most valuable thing in this world is the homage of men, whether deserved or undeserved.
Mark Twain
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My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it.
Mark Twain
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That is just the way with some people. They get down on a thing when they don’t know nothing about it.
Mark Twain
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The higher animals get their teeth without pain or inconvenience. Man gets his through months and months of cruel torture he will never get a set which can really be depended on 'till a dentist makes him one.
Mark Twain
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Man is a marvelous curiosity...he thinks he is the Creator's pet...he even believes the Creator loves him has passion for him sits up nights to admire him yes and watch over him and keep him out of trouble. He prays to him and thinks he listens. Isn't it a quaint idea.
Mark Twain
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He [George Washington Cable] has taught me to abhor and detest the Sabbath day and hunt up new and troublesome ways to dishonor it.
Mark Twain
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On with the dance, let the joy be unconfined.
Mark Twain
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I do love compliments, yet I'm often embarrassed to say what I think to the person when I get a compliment. I so often feel that they have not gone far enough.
Mark Twain
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There are no accidents, all things have a deep and calculated purpose sometimes the methods employed by Providence seem strange and incongruous, but we have only to be patient and wait for the result: then we recognize that no others would have answered the purpose, and we are rebuked and humbled.
Mark Twain
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Names are not always what they seem.
Mark Twain
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Concentration of power in a political machine is bad and an Established Church is only a political machine it was invented for that it is nursed, cradled, preserved for that it is an enemy to human liberty, and does no good which it could not better do in a split-up and scattered condition.
Mark Twain
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What is Man? Man is a noisome bacillus whom Our Heavenly Father created because he was disappointed in the monkey.
Mark Twain
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Bridgeport? Said I. Camelot, Said he.
Mark Twain
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Go and surprise the whole country by doing something right.
Mark Twain