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I have been an author for 20 years and an ass for 55.

Mark Twain

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Mark Twain
Age: 74 †
Born: 1835
Born: November 30
Died: 1910
Died: April 21
Aphorist
Author
Autobiographer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Opinion Journalist
Prosaist
Science Fiction Writer
Teacher
Florida
Missouri
Samuel Langhorne Clemens
Samuel L. Clemens
Samuel Clemens
Funny
Years
Ass
Author

More quotes by Mark Twain

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Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.
Mark Twain
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It is easy to find fault, if one has that disposition. There was once a man who, not being able to find any other fault with his coal, complained that there were too many prehistoric toads in it.
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I prefer milk because I am a Prohibitionist, but I do not go to it for inspiration.
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Which is him? The grammar was faulty, maybe, but we could not know, then, that it would go in a book someday.
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Seasickness: at first you are so sick you are afraid you will die, and then you are so sick you are afraid you won't die.
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More than two hundred death penalties are gone from the law books, but the [biblical] texts that authorised them remain.
Mark Twain
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Laughter is the greatest weapon we have and we, as humans, use it the least.
Mark Twain
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Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
Mark Twain
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Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.
Mark Twain
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The minute we get reconciled to a person, how willing we are to throw aside little needless punctilios and pronounce his name right.
Mark Twain
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Two things seemed pretty apparent to me. One was that in order to be a pilot a man had to learn more than any one man ought to learn and the other was that he must learn it all over again in a different way every 24 hours.
Mark Twain
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Never knew before what eternity was made for. It is to give some of us a chance to learn German.
Mark Twain
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High and fine literature is wine, and mine is only water but everybody likes water.
Mark Twain
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When whole races and peoples conspire to propagate gigantic mute lies in the interest of tyrannies and shams, why should we care anything about the trifling lies told by individuals?
Mark Twain
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Deep down in me I knowed it was a lie, and He knowed it. You can't pray a lie - I found that out.
Mark Twain
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Religion consists in a set of things which the average man thinks he believes and wishes he was certain of.
Mark Twain
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It's an epitome of life. The first half of it consists of the capacity to enjoy without the chance the last half consists of the chance without the capacity.
Mark Twain
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Any emotion, if it is sincere, is involuntary.
Mark Twain
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I've dealt with many crises in my life, but few will ever happen.
Mark Twain
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It is my belief that nearly any invented quotation, played with confidence, stands a good chance to deceive.
Mark Twain