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I have been an author for 20 years and an ass for 55.

Mark Twain

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Mark Twain
Age: 74 †
Born: 1835
Born: November 30
Died: 1910
Died: April 21
Aphorist
Author
Autobiographer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Opinion Journalist
Prosaist
Science Fiction Writer
Teacher
Florida
Missouri
Samuel Langhorne Clemens
Samuel L. Clemens
Samuel Clemens
Ass
Author
Funny
Years

More quotes by Mark Twain

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....try the mustard, - a man can't know what turnips are in perfection without mustard.
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Oh Death where is thy sting! It has none. But life has.
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Cherimoya, the most delicious fruit known to men.
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A historian who would convey the truth has got to lie. Often he must enlarge the truth by diameters, otherwise his reader would not be able to see it.
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The less a man knows the bigger the noise he makes and the higher the salary he commands.
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When a person is accustomed to one hundred and thirty-eight in the shade, his ideas about cold weather are not valuable.
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Gratitude and treachery are merely the two extremities of the same procession. You have seen all of it that is worth staying for when the band and the gaudy officials have gone by.
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France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country.
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Why is it that, among men, physical courage is a trait so plenteous yet moral courage is a trait so rare?
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The happy phrasing of a compliment is one of the rarest of human gifts, and the happy delivery of it another.
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Laughter is the greatest weapon we have and we, as humans, use it the least.
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Modesty antedates clothes and will be resumed when clothes are no more.
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I find that the further I go back, the better things were, whether they happened or not.
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Man proposes, but God blocks the game.
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No public interest is anything other or nobler than a massed accumulation of private interests.
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When the Lord finished the world, he pronounced it good. That is what I said about my first work, too. But Time, I tell you, Time takes the confidence out of these incautious opinions. It is more than likely that He thinks about the world, now, pretty much as I think about the Innocents Abroad. The fact is, there is a trifle too much water in both.
Mark Twain
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Always tell the truth then you don't have to remember anything
Mark Twain
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It is hopeless for the occasional visitor to try to keep up with Chicago-she outgrows his prophecies faster than he can make them. She is always a novelty for she is never the Chicago you saw when you passed through the last time.
Mark Twain
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Never argue with a fool, onlookers may not be able to tell the difference.
Mark Twain
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when the human race is not grotesque it is because it is asleep and losing its opportunity.
Mark Twain