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Sacred cows make the best hamburger.

Mark Twain

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Mark Twain
Age: 74 †
Born: 1835
Born: November 30
Died: 1910
Died: April 21
Aphorist
Author
Autobiographer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Opinion Journalist
Prosaist
Science Fiction Writer
Teacher
Florida
Missouri
Samuel Langhorne Clemens
Samuel L. Clemens
Samuel Clemens
Cooking
Sacred
Food
Hamburger
Religion
Hamburgers
Funny
Culinary
Best
Cows
Make
Witty
Humorous

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I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.
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No one is sane, straight along, year in and year out, and we all know it. Our insanities are of varying sorts, and express themselves in varying forms-fortunately harmless forms as a rule.
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There are laws to protect the freedom of the press's speech, but none that are worth anything to protect the people from the press
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I've never let my school interfere with my education.
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You may have noticed that the less I know about a subject the more confidence I have, and the more new light I throw on it.
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Do something everyday that you don't want to do.
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In writing, I shall always confine myself strictly to the truth, except when it is attended with inconvenience.
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Foreigners cannot enjoy our food, I suppose, any more than we can enjoy theirs. It is not strange for tastes are made, not born. I might glorify my bill of fare until I was tired but after all, the Scotchman would shake his head and say, 'Where's your haggis?' and the Fijan would sigh and say, 'Where's your missionary?'
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To me [Edgar Allen Poe's] prose is unreadable—like Jane Austin's [sic]. No there is a difference. I could read his prose on salary, but not Jane's. Jane is entirely impossible. It seems a great pity that they allowed her to die a natural death.
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I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.
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Always do what is right. It will gratify half of mankind and astound the other.
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Music is a good thing and after all that soul-butter and hogwash, I never see it freshen up things so, and sound so honest and bully.
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We like to read about rich people in the newspapers the papers know it, and they do their best to keep this appetite liberally fed.
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A man may plan as much as he wants to, but nothing of consequence is likely to come of it until the magician circumstance steps in and takes the matter off his hands.
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Travel is lethal to prejudice.
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The solution to our water problems is more rain.
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The human being places sexual intercourse above all other joys, but leaves it out of his heaven.
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Next you'd see a raft sliding by, away off yonder, and maybe a galoot on it chopping. . . you'd see the ax flash and come down-you don't hear nothing you see the ax go up again, and by the time it's above the man's head then you hear the k'chunk!-it had took all that time to come over the water.
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English humor is hard to appreciate, though, unless you are trained to it. The English papers, in reporting my speeches, always put 'laughter' in the wrong place.
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I bring you this stately matron named Christendom, returning bedraggled, besmirched, and dishonored from pirate raids in Kiao-Chow, Manchuria, South Africa, and the Phillipines, with her soul full of meanness, her pocket full of boodle, and her mouth full of pious hypocrisies. Give her soap and a towel, but hide the looking-glass.
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