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[The Bible is] a mass of fables and traditions, mere mythology.

Mark Twain

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Mark Twain
Age: 74 †
Born: 1835
Born: November 30
Died: 1910
Died: April 21
Aphorist
Author
Autobiographer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Opinion Journalist
Prosaist
Science Fiction Writer
Teacher
Florida
Missouri
Samuel Langhorne Clemens
Samuel L. Clemens
Samuel Clemens
Tradition
Mere
Mass
Religion
Fables
Traditions
Mythology
Bible

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The convention missionaries call modesty has no standard, and cannot have one, because it is opposed to nature and reason and is therefore an artificiality and subject to anybody's whim - anybody's diseased caprice.
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The sole impulse which dictates and compels a man's every act: the imperious necessity of securing his own approval, in every emergency and at all costs.... It is our only spur, our whip, our goad, our impelling power we have no other.
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I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.
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Broad, wholesome, charitable views .. can not be acquired by vegetating in one's little corner of the earth.
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A pessimist is a well-informed optimist.
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The critic's symbol should be the tumble-bug: he deposits his egg in somebody else's dung, otherwise he could not hatch it.
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The old man laughed loud and joyously, shook up the details of his anatomy from head to foot, and ended by saying that such a laugh was money in a man's pocket, because it cut down the doctor's bills like everything.
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One compliment can keep me going for a whole month.
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Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.
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The old Irish when immersing a babe at baptism left out the right arm so that it would remain pagan for good fighting
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...nothing so liberalizes a man and expands the kindly instincts that nature put in him as travel and contact with many kinds of people.
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When a library expels a book of mine and leaves an unexpurgated Bible lying around where unprotected youth and age can get hold of it, the deep unconscious irony of it delights me and doesn't anger me.
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An open mind leaves a chance for someone to drop a worthwhile thought in it.
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Every time I read a Jane Austen novel, I feel like a bartender at the gates of heaven.
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I would have written a shorter letter, but I did not have the time.
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Always do what is right. It will gratify half of mankind and astound the other.
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The two Testaments are interesting, each in its own way. The Old one gives us a picture of these people's Deity as he was before he got religion, the other one gives us a picture of him as he appeared afterward.
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You thunder and lightning too much the reader ceases to get under the bed, by and by.
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Never let the truth get in the way of a good story.
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When I was 17, my father was so stupid, I didn't want to be seen with him in public. When I was 24, I was amazed at how much the old man had learned in just 7 years.
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