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When one reads Bibles, one is less surprised at what the Deity knows than at what He doesn't know.

Mark Twain

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Mark Twain
Age: 74 †
Born: 1835
Born: November 30
Died: 1910
Died: April 21
Aphorist
Author
Autobiographer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Opinion Journalist
Prosaist
Science Fiction Writer
Teacher
Florida
Missouri
Samuel Langhorne Clemens
Samuel L. Clemens
Samuel Clemens
Less
Religion
Doesn
Bibles
Deity
Deities
Reads
Surprised
Atheism

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Never knew before what eternity was made for. It is to give some of us a chance to learn German.
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If you've got a nice fresh corpse, fetch him out!
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Write without pay until somebody offers to pay.
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Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
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The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
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Only a government that is rich and safe can afford to be a democracy, for democracy is the most expensive and nefarious kind of government ever heard of on earth
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We love old travelers: we love to hear them prate, drivel and lie we love them for their asinine vanity, their ability to bore, their luxuriant fertility of imagination, their startling, brilliant, overwhelming mendacity.
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You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
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None but the dead have free speech.
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from the beginning of my sojourn in this world there was a persistent vacancy in me where the industry ought to be. (Ought to was is better, perhaps, though the most of the authorities differ as to this.
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I was warned to stop smoking, which I did, for two or three days, but it was too lonesome, and I have resumed - in a modified way - 4 smokes a day instead of 40. This will have a good effect. On the bank balance.
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Surely the ass who invented the first religion ought to be the first ass damned
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Braveness is resistance to concern, mastery of panic - not absense of anxiety.
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I never made a success of a lecture delivered in a church yet. People are afraid to laugh in a church. They can't be made to do it in any possible way.
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A good and wholesome thing is a little harmless fun in this world it tones a body up and keeps him human and prevents him from souring.
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Most writers regard the truth as their most valuable possession, and therefore are most economical in its use.
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I like a good story well told. That is the reason I am sometimes forced to tell them myself.
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I am content to be a bric-a-bracker and a Ceramiker.
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To refuse awards is another way of accepting them with more noise than is normal.
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Names are not always what they seem.
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