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When one reads Bibles, one is less surprised at what the Deity knows than at what He doesn't know.

Mark Twain

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Mark Twain
Age: 74 †
Born: 1835
Born: November 30
Died: 1910
Died: April 21
Aphorist
Author
Autobiographer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Opinion Journalist
Prosaist
Science Fiction Writer
Teacher
Florida
Missouri
Samuel Langhorne Clemens
Samuel L. Clemens
Samuel Clemens
Surprised
Atheism
Less
Religion
Bibles
Doesn
Deity
Deities
Reads

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A joke, even if it be a lame one, is nowhere so keenly relished or quickly applauded as in a murder trial.
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It is not what a man knows, but what he thinks of in time.
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Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
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I am admonished in many ways that time is pushing me inexorably along. I am approaching the threshold of age in 1977 I shall be 142.
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I said there was but one solitary thing about the past worth remembering, and that was the fact that it is past-can't be restored.
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Always do what is right. It will gratify half of mankind and astound the other.
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The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.
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To get the right word in the right place is a rare achievement.
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Your friends may love you in private but your enemies will hate you in public.
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Honest poverty is a gem that even a king might be proud to call his own - but I wish to sell out
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The rule is perfect: in all matters of opinion our adversaries are insane.
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One must travel, to learn. Every day, now, old Scriptural phrases that never possessed any significance for me before, take to themselves a meaning.
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India has two million gods, and worships them all. In religion all other countries are paupers India is the only millionaire.
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I cannot help but notice that there is no problem between us that cannot be solved by your departure.
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From the dome of St. Peter's one can see every notable object in Rome... He can see a panorama that is varied, extensive, beautiful to the eye, and more illustrious in history than any other in Europe.
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Prosperity is the surest breeder of insolence I know.
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When a man stands on the verge of seventy-two you know perfectly well that he never reached that place without knowing what this life is - heartbreaking bereavement.
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I have seen slower people than I am and more deliberate... and even quieter, and more listless, and lazier people than I am. But they were dead.
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I have been an author for 20 years and an ass for 55.
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When whole races and peoples conspire to propagate gigantic mute lies in the interest of tyrannies and shams, why should we care anything about the trifling lies told by individuals?
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