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If I cannot smoke in heaven, then I shall not go.

Mark Twain

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Mark Twain
Age: 74 †
Born: 1835
Born: November 30
Died: 1910
Died: April 21
Aphorist
Author
Autobiographer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Opinion Journalist
Prosaist
Science Fiction Writer
Teacher
Florida
Missouri
Samuel Langhorne Clemens
Samuel L. Clemens
Samuel Clemens
Cannot
Cigar
Smoking
Humorous
Smoke
Shall
Heaven
Funny

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Habit is habit, and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed down-stairs one step at a time.
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A banker is somebody who lends you an umbrella & takes it away as soon as it starts raining.
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Foreigners cannot enjoy our food, I suppose, any more than we can enjoy theirs. It is not strange for tastes are made, not born. I might glorify my bill of fare until I was tired but after all, the Scotchman would shake his head and say, 'Where's your haggis?' and the Fijan would sigh and say, 'Where's your missionary?'
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Synergy - the bonus that is achieved when things work together harmoniously.
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The more I learn about people, the more I like my dog.
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Courage is not the absence of fear, but the mastery of it.
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It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss it.
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A banquet is probably the most fatiguing thing in the world except ditchdigging. It is the insanest of all recreations. The inventor of it overlooked no detail that could furnish weariness, distress, harassment, and acute and long-sustained misery of mind and body.
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His ignorance covers the world like a blanket, and there's scarcely a hole in it anywhere.
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Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?
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I pledged myself to smoke but one cigar a day. I kept the cigar waiting until bedtime, then I had a luxurious time with it. But desire persecuted me every day and all day long. I found myself hunting for larger cigars...within the month my cigar had grown to such proportions I could have used it as a crutch.
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July 4. Statistics show that we lose more fools on this day than in all the other days of the year put together. This proves, by the number left in stock, that one fourth of July per year is now inadequate, the country has grown so
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An author values a compliment even when it comes from a source of doubtful competency.
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There are two times in a man's life when he should not speculate: when he can't afford it, and when he can.
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Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone you may still exist, but you have ceased to live. To live a fulfilled life, we need to keep creating the what is next, of our lives. Without dreams and goals there is no living, only merely existing, and that is not why we are here.
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I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.
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Learning softeneth the heart and breedeth gentleness and charity.
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A half-truth is the most cowardly of lies.
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Nothing so focuses the mind as the prospect of being hanged.
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Few of us stand prosperity another man's I mean.
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