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My father was an amazing man. The older I got, the smarter he got.

Mark Twain

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Mark Twain
Age: 74 †
Born: 1835
Born: November 30
Died: 1910
Died: April 21
Aphorist
Author
Autobiographer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Opinion Journalist
Prosaist
Science Fiction Writer
Teacher
Florida
Missouri
Samuel Langhorne Clemens
Samuel L. Clemens
Samuel Clemens
Father
Men
Fatherhood
Smarter
Older
Amazing
Family

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The ignorant are afraid to betray surprise or admiration...they think it ill manners.
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We adore titles and heredities in our hearts and ridicule them with our mouths. This is our democratic privilege.
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Frankenstein took some flesh and bones and blood and made a man out of them the man ran away and fell to raping and robbing and murdering everywhere, and Frankenstein was horrified and in despair, and said, I made him, without asking his consent, and it makes me responsible for every crime he commits. I am the criminal, he is innocent.
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If I cannot smoke in heaven, then I shall not go.
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When politics enter into municipal government, nothing resulting therefrom in the way of crimes and infamies is then incredible. It actually enables one to accept and believe the impossible.
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Eating and sleeping are the only activities that should be allowed to interrupt a man's enjoyment of his cigar.
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Better a broken promise than none at all.
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It is my belief that nearly any invented quotation, played with confidence, stands a good chance to deceive.
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The Koran does not permit Mohammedans to drink. Their natural instincts do not permit them to be moral. They say the Sultan has eight hundred wives. This almost amounts to bigamy.
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There is no God, no universe, no human race, no earthly life, no heaven, no hell. It is all a dream, a grotesque and foolish dream. Nothing exists but you. And you are but a thought -a vagrant thought, a useless thought, a homeless thought, wandering forlorn among the empty eternities!
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Conformity—the natural instinct to passively yield to that vague something recognized as authority.
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It is a good idea to obey all the rules when you're young just so you'll have the strength to break them when you're old.
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Deep down in me I knowed it was a lie, and He knowed it. You can't pray a lie - I found that out.
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English humor is hard to appreciate, though, unless you are trained to it. The English papers, in reporting my speeches, always put 'laughter' in the wrong place.
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All human rules are more or less idiotic.
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The gentle reader will never, never know what a consummate ass he can become until he goes abroad.
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Don't you know that the very thing a man dreads is the thing that always happens?
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It is my custom to keep on talking until I get the audience cowed.
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France has neither winter, nor summer, nor morals. France is miserable because it is filled with Frenchmen, and Frenchmen are miserable because they live in France.
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Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.
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