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I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places.

Mark Twain

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Mark Twain
Age: 74 †
Born: 1835
Born: November 30
Died: 1910
Died: April 21
Aphorist
Author
Autobiographer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Opinion Journalist
Prosaist
Science Fiction Writer
Teacher
Florida
Missouri
Samuel Langhorne Clemens
Samuel L. Clemens
Samuel Clemens
Hell
Friends
Heaven
Funny
Self
Life
Commit
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Friendship
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More quotes by Mark Twain

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I never write Metropolis for seven cents because I can get the same price for city. I never write policeman because I can get the same money for cop.
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Twenty-four years ago I was strangely handsome in San Francisco in the rainy season I was often mistaken for fair weather.
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The nation is divided, half patriots and half traitors, and no man can tell which from which.
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It is my belief that nearly any invented quotation, played with confidence, stands a good chance to deceive.
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If we learned to walk and talk the way we learn to read and write, everyone would limp and stutter.
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No public interest is anything other or nobler than a massed accumulation of private interests.
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I went to the circus, and loafed around the back side till the watchman went by, and then dived in under the tent. I had my twenty-dollar gold piece and some other money, but I reckoned I better save it.... I ain't opposed to spending money on circuses, when there ain't no other way, but there ain't no use in wasting it on them.
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...there isn't often anything in Wagner opera that one would call by such a violent name as acting.
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I will remark in the way of general information, that in California, that land of felicitous nomenclature, the literary name of this sort of stuff is hogwash
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To be good is noble but to show others how to be good is nobler and no trouble.
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The dreamer's valuation of a thing lost - not another man's - is the only standard to measure it by, and his grief for it makes it large and great and fine, and is worthy of our reverence in all cases.
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There has never been a Protestant boy nor a Protestant girl whose mind the Bible has not soiled.
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We Americans are the most lavish and showiest and most luxury loving people on the earth and at our masthead we fly one true and honest symbol, the gaudiest flag the world has ever seen.
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In all the ages, three-fourths of the support of the great charities has been conscience money.
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In the real world, nothing happens at the right place at the right time. It is the job of journalists and historians to correct that.
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If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
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One holds a bottle of red wine by the neck, a woman by the waist, and a bottle of champagne by the derriere.
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It is the will of God that we must have critics and missionaries and congressmen and humorists, and we must bear the burden
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I knew a man who grabbed a cat by the tail and learned forty percent more about cats than the man who didn't.
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The difference between a Miracle and a Fact is exactly the difference between a mermaid and a seal.
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