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I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places.

Mark Twain

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Mark Twain
Age: 74 †
Born: 1835
Born: November 30
Died: 1910
Died: April 21
Aphorist
Author
Autobiographer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Opinion Journalist
Prosaist
Science Fiction Writer
Teacher
Florida
Missouri
Samuel Langhorne Clemens
Samuel L. Clemens
Samuel Clemens
Life
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Friendship
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Hell
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Heaven
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Self

More quotes by Mark Twain

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More than two hundred death penalties are gone from the law books, but the [biblical] texts that authorised them remain.
Mark Twain
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The newspaper that obstructs the law on a trivial pretext, for money's sake, is a dangerous enemy to the public weal. That awful power, the public opinion of a nation, is created in America by a horde of ignorant, self-complacent simpletons who failed at ditching and shoemaking and fetched up in journalism on their way to the poorhouse.
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You can't make a life over. Society wouldn't let you if you would.
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When one has tasted watermelon he knows what the angels eat.
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We have an insanity plea that would have saved Cain.
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Be virtuous and you will be eccentric.
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I can understand German as well as the maniac that invented it, but I talk it best through an interpreter.
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Modesty antedates clothes and will be resumed when clothes are no more.
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The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
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It is better to be a young June-bug than an old bird of paradise.
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It is so unsatisfactory to read a noble passage and have no one you love at hand to share the happiness with you. And it is unsatisfactory to read to one's self anyhow - for the uttered voice so heightens the expression.
Mark Twain
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Cats are the wildest of the tame and the tamest of the wild
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when the human race is not grotesque it is because it is asleep and losing its opportunity.
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A man who keeps company with glaciers comes to feel tolerably insignificant by and by.
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Civilization largely consists in hiding human nature. When the barbarian learns to hide it we account him enlightened.
Mark Twain
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Epitaphs are cheap, and they do a poor chap a world of good after he is dead, especially if he had hard luck while he was alive. I wish they were used more.
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I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know.
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Write without pay until somebody offers to pay.
Mark Twain
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The proverb says, Born lucky, always lucky, and I am very superstitious. As a small boy I was notoriously lucky. It was usual for one or two of our lads (per annum) to get drowned in the Mississippi or in Bear Creek, but I was pulled out in a 2/3 drowned condition 9 times before I learned to swim, and was considered to be a cat in disguise.
Mark Twain
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It may be called the Master Passion, the hunger for self-approval.
Mark Twain