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I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places.

Mark Twain

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Mark Twain
Age: 74 †
Born: 1835
Born: November 30
Died: 1910
Died: April 21
Aphorist
Author
Autobiographer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Opinion Journalist
Prosaist
Science Fiction Writer
Teacher
Florida
Missouri
Samuel Langhorne Clemens
Samuel L. Clemens
Samuel Clemens
Places
Hell
Friends
Heaven
Funny
Self
Life
Commit
Like
Friendship

More quotes by Mark Twain

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Loyalty to petrified opinion never yet broke a chain or freed a human soul.
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A man is never more truthful than when he acknowledges himself a liar.
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One can enjoy a rainbow without necessarily forgetting the forces that made it.
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Heaven is the very last place to come to rest and don't you be afraid to bet on that!
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None of us can have as many virtues as the fountain-pen, or half its cussedness but we can try.
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A habit cannot be tossed out the window it must be coaxed down the stairs a step at a time.
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I pledged myself to smoke but one cigar a day. I kept the cigar waiting until bedtime, then I had a luxurious time with it. But desire persecuted me every day and all day long. I found myself hunting for larger cigars...within the month my cigar had grown to such proportions I could have used it as a crutch.
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the size of a misfortune is not determinable by an outsider’s measurement of it but only by the measurements applied to it by the person specially affected by it.
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I didn't have time to write a short letter, so I wrote a long one instead.
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The Bible is a wonderful book you can prove anything you want with it.
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He was a solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.
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Few of us stand prosperity another man's I mean.
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Memories which someday will become all beautiful when the last annoyance that encumbers them shall have faded out of our minds.
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Loyalty to the country always. Loyalty to the government when it deserves it.
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A newspaper is not just for reporting the news as it is, but to make people mad enough to do something about it.
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Imagine, if you will, that I am an idiot. Then, imagine that I am also a Congressman. But, alas, I repeat myself.
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I haven't a particle of confidence in a man who has no redeeming petty vices whatsoever.
Mark Twain
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The lightning there is peculiar it is so convincing, that when it strikes a thing it doesn't leave enough of that thing behind for you to tell whether-Well, you'd think it was something valuable, and a Congressman had been there.
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No one can tell me what is a good cigar - for me. I am the only judge. People who claim to know say that I smoke the worst cigars in the world. They bring their own cigars when they come to my house.
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You may call a jay a bird. Well, so he is, in a measure--because he's got feathers on him, and don't belong to no church, perhapsbut otherwise he is just as much a human as you be. And I'll tell you for why. A jay's gifts and instincts, and feelings, and interests, cover the whole ground. A jay hasn't got any more principle than a Congressman.
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