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A sense of humor is the one thing no one will admit to not having.

Mark Twain

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Mark Twain
Age: 74 †
Born: 1835
Born: November 30
Died: 1910
Died: April 21
Aphorist
Author
Autobiographer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Opinion Journalist
Prosaist
Science Fiction Writer
Teacher
Florida
Missouri
Samuel Langhorne Clemens
Samuel L. Clemens
Samuel Clemens
Admit
Humor
Sense
Thing

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More than two hundred death penalties are gone from the law books, but the [biblical] texts that authorised them remain.
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I never write metropolis for seven cents when I can write city and get paid the same.
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I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places.
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None but an ass pays a compliment and asks a favour at the same time. There are many asses.
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He [George Washington Cable] has taught me to abhor and detest the Sabbath day and hunt up new and troublesome ways to dishonor it.
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If true, rarely beautiful. If beautiful, rarely true.
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Your actions speak so much louder than words.
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To be satisfied with what one has that is wealth.
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Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.
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If there is one thing that is really cheerful in the world, it is cheerfulness. I have noticed it often. And I have noticed that when a man is right down cheerful, he is seldom unhappy for the time being. Such is the nature of man.
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Humor is the great thing, the saving thing after all. The minute it crops up, all our hardnesses yield, all our irritations, and resentments flit away, and a sunny spirit takes their place.
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I cannot help but notice that there is no problem between us that cannot be solved by your departure.
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I've seen many troubles in my time, only half of which ever came true.
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It is my belief that nearly any invented quotation, played with confidence, stands a good chance to deceive.
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Memories which someday will become all beautiful when the last annoyance that encumbers them shall have faded out of our minds.
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I always take Scotch whiskey at night as a preventive of toothache. I have never had the toothache and what is more, I never intend to have it.
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Some civilized women would lose half their charm without dress and some would lose all of it.
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Conductor, when you receive a fare, Punch in the presence of the passenjare. A blue trip slip for an eight-cent fare, A buff trip slip for a six-cent fare, A pink trip slip for a three-cent fare, Punch in the presence of the passenjare! Punch, brothers! punch with care! Punch in the presence of the passenjare!
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Loyalty to the country always. Loyalty to the government when it deserves it.
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It was a place of sin, loose women, whiskey and gambling. It was no place for a good Presbyterian, and I did not long remain one.
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