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I cannot help but notice that there is no problem between us that cannot be solved by your departure.

Mark Twain

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Mark Twain
Age: 74 †
Born: 1835
Born: November 30
Died: 1910
Died: April 21
Aphorist
Author
Autobiographer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Opinion Journalist
Prosaist
Science Fiction Writer
Teacher
Florida
Missouri
Samuel Langhorne Clemens
Samuel L. Clemens
Samuel Clemens
Notice
Atheist
Help
Helping
Cannot
Problem
Departure
Solved

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The face of the water, in time, became a wonderful book- a book that was a dead language to the uneducated passenger, but which told its mind to me without reserve, delivering its most cherished secrets as clearly as if it uttered them with a voice. And it was not a book to be read once and thrown aside, for it had a new story to tell every day.
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Do your duty today and repent tomorrow.
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My advice to girls: first, don't smoke - to excess second, don't drink - to excess third, don't marry - to excess.
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Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.
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He is now rising from affluence to poverty.
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And so when I couldn't stand it no longer, I lit out. I got into my old rags and my sugar-hogshead again, and was free and satisfied.
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More than two hundred death penalties are gone from the law books, but the [biblical] texts that authorised them remain.
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Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.
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Great enterprises usually promise vastly more than they perform.
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I am living a new and exalted life of late. It steeps me in a sacred rapture to see a portrait develop and take soul under my hand. First, I throw off a study - just a mere study, a few apparently random lines - and to look at it you would hardly ever suspect who it was going to be even I cannot tell, myself.
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Conformity—the natural instinct to passively yield to that vague something recognized as authority.
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The cat, having sat upon a hot stove lid, will not sit upon a hot stove lid again. Nor upon a cold stove lid.
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Humor must be one of the chief attributes of God. Plants and animals that are distinctly humorous in form and characteristics are God's jokes.
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when the human race is not grotesque it is because it is asleep and losing its opportunity.
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Bridgeport? Said I. Camelot, Said he.
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When you catch an adjective, kill it. No, I don't mean utterly, but kill most of them--then the rest will be valuable. They weaken when they are close together. They give strength when they are far apart.
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Strip the human race, absolutely naked, and it would be a real democracy. But the introduction of even a rag of tiger skin, or a cowtail, could make a badge of distinction and be the beginning of a monarchy.
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To eat is human, to digest, divine
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Circumstances make man, not man circumstances.
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It is a mistake that there is no bath that will cure people's manners, but drowning would help.
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