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Apparently one of the most uncertain things in the world is the funeral of a religion.
Mark Twain
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Mark Twain
Age: 74 †
Born: 1835
Born: November 30
Died: 1910
Died: April 21
Aphorist
Author
Autobiographer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Opinion Journalist
Prosaist
Science Fiction Writer
Teacher
Florida
Missouri
Samuel Langhorne Clemens
Samuel L. Clemens
Samuel Clemens
Things
World
Apparently
Funeral
Uncertain
Religion
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You don't know about me, without you have read a book by the name of 'The Adventures of Tom Sawyer,' but that ain't no matter. That book was made by a Mr. Mark Twain, and he told the truth, mainly.
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What is Man? Man is a noisome bacillus whom Our Heavenly Father created because he was disappointed in the monkey.
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It must be well-nigh a maximum of sense to behave so that one escapes being hanged.
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We called him Barney for short. We couldn't use his real name, there wasn't time.
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A conspiracy is nothing but a secret agreement of a number of men for the pursuance of policies which they dare not admit in public
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Better a broken promise than none at all.
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If God had meant for us to be naked, we'd have been born that way.
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The funniest things are the forbidden.
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The secret of getting ahead is getting started. The secret of getting started is breaking your complex overwhelming tasks into small manageable tasks, and starting on the first one.
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You can tell German wine from vinegar by the label.
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When the world is made to be idiot-proof, the world will become overpopulated with idiots.
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He wa'n't no common dog, he wa'n't no mongrel he was a composite. A composite dog is a dog that is made up of all the valuable qualities that's in the dog breed-kind of a syndicate and a mongrel is made up of all riffraff that's left over.
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There is no character, howsoever good and fine, but it can be destroyed by ridicule, howsoever poor and witless.
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We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it and stop there lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove lid again and that is well but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore.
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Every time you stop a school, you will have to build a jail.
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Loyalty is a word which has worked vast harm for it has been made to trick men into being loyal to a thousand iniquities, whereas the true loyalty should have been to themselves - in which case there would have ensured a rebellion, and the throwing off of that deceptive yoke.
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When one reads Bibles, one is less surprised at what the Deity knows than at what He doesn't know.
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A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read.
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Human beings seem to be a poor invention. If they are the noblest works of God where is the ignoblest?
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One holds a bottle of red wine by the neck, a woman by the waist, and a bottle of champagne by the derriere.
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