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Alas! those good old days are gone, when a murderer could wipe the stain from his name and soothe his trouble to sleep simply by getting out his blocks and mortar and building an addition to a church.

Mark Twain

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Mark Twain
Age: 74 †
Born: 1835
Born: November 30
Died: 1910
Died: April 21
Aphorist
Author
Autobiographer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Opinion Journalist
Prosaist
Science Fiction Writer
Teacher
Florida
Missouri
Samuel Langhorne Clemens
Samuel L. Clemens
Samuel Clemens
Religion
Simply
Publishers
Stain
Good
Trouble
Alas
Humorists
Days
Entrepreneur
Lecturer
Sleep
Block
Stains
Names
Sin
Blocks
Gone
Crime
Addition
Getting
Building
Wipe
Soothe
Church
Name
Murderer
Mortar

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The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
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Slang in a woman's mouth is not obscene, it only sounds so.
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The catfish is Plenty good enough fish for anyone
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Heaven is by favor if it were by merit your dog would go in and you would stay out. Of all the creatures ever made (man) is the most detestable. Of the entire brood, he is the only one... that possesses malice. He is the only creature that inflicts pain for sport, knowing it to be pain.
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Better a broken promise than none at all.
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I like Joan of Arc best of all my books and it is the best I know it perfectly well.
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You ought never to sass old people- unless they sass you first.
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I never made a success of a lecture delivered in a church yet. People are afraid to laugh in a church. They can't be made to do it in any possible way.
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You can tell German wine from vinegar by the label.
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I was standing in our dining-room thinking of nothing in particular, when a cablegram was put into my hand. It said, 'Susy was peacefully released today.' It is one of the mysteries of our nature that a man, all unprepared, can receive a thunder-stroke like that and live.
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My father was an amazing man. The older I got, the smarter he got.
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The law is a system that protects everybody who can afford to hire a good lawyer.
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There are those who scoff at the schoolboy, calling him frivolous and shallow: Yet it was the schoolboy who said 'Faith is believing what you know ain't so'.
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Not a single right is indestructible: a new might can at any time abolish it, hence, man possesses not a single permanent right. God is Might (and He is shifty, malicious, and uncertain).
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Next you'd see a raft sliding by, away off yonder, and maybe a galoot on it chopping. . . you'd see the ax flash and come down-you don't hear nothing you see the ax go up again, and by the time it's above the man's head then you hear the k'chunk!-it had took all that time to come over the water.
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Most people can't bear to sit in church for an hour on Sundays. How are they supposed to live somewhere very similar to it for eternity?
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I found out that I was a Christian for revenue only and I could not bear the thought of that, it was so ignoble.
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Some things you can't find out but you will never know you can't by guessing and supposing: no, you have to be patient and go on experimenting until you find out that you can't find out.
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The best cure for Christianity is reading the Bible.
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In all my travels the thing that has impressed me the most is the universal brotherhood of man-what there is of it.
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