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I cannot see how a man of any large degree of humorous perception can ever be religious -- unless he purposely shut the eyes of his mind & keep them shut by force.

Mark Twain

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Mark Twain
Age: 74 †
Born: 1835
Born: November 30
Died: 1910
Died: April 21
Aphorist
Author
Autobiographer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Opinion Journalist
Prosaist
Science Fiction Writer
Teacher
Florida
Missouri
Samuel Langhorne Clemens
Samuel L. Clemens
Samuel Clemens
Force
Perception
Keep
Degrees
Cannot
Large
Ever
Unless
Mind
Eyes
Purposely
Men
Religious
Shut
Eye
Humorous
Religion
Degree

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To stand still is to fall behind.
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How empty is theory in the presence of fact!
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Names are not always what they seem.
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Every time you stop a school, you will have to build a jail.
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If it's your job to eat a frog, it's best to do it first thing in the morning. And If it's your job to eat two frogs, it's best to eat the biggest one first.
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We have to keep our God placated with prayer, and even then we are never sure of him-how much higher and finer is the Indian's God...Our illogical God is all-powerful in name, but impotent in fact the Great Spirit is not all-powerful, but does the very best he can for his injun and does it free of charge
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Man has imagined a heaven, and has left entirely out of it the supremest of all his delights...sexual intercourse!...His heaven is like himself: strange, interesting, astonishing, grotesque. I give you my word, it has not a single feature in it that he actually values.
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Optimist: Person who travels on nothing from nowhere to happiness.
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George Washington, as a boy, was ignorant of the commonest accomplishments of youth. He could not even lie.
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Life is short. Forgive quickly, kiss slowly and love truly.
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Dates are hard to remember because they consist of figures figures are monotonously unstriking in appearance, and they don't take hold, they form no pictures, and so they give the eye no chance to help. Pictures are the thing. Pictures can make dates stick.
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He [George Washington Cable] has taught me to abhor and detest the Sabbath day and hunt up new and troublesome ways to dishonor it.
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Don't wrestle with pigs. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.
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The human being places sexual intercourse above all other joys, but leaves it out of his heaven.
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The piano may do for love-sick girls who lace themselves to skeletons, and lunch on chalk, pickles and slate pencils, but give me the banjo.
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I could never learn to like her, except on a raft at sea with no other provisions in sight.
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'Classic.' A book which people praise and don't read.
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Too much of anything is bad, but too much good whiskey is barely enough.
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The ordinary chestnut can beget a sickly and reluctant laugh, but it takes a horse chestnut to fetch the gorgeous big horse-laugh.
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Ignorance, intolerance, egotism, self-assertion, opaque perception, dense and pitiful chuckle headedness - and an almost pathetic unconsciousness of it all, that is what I was at nineteen and twenty.
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