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If Christ were here now there is one thing he would not be — a Christian.

Mark Twain

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Mark Twain
Age: 74 †
Born: 1835
Born: November 30
Died: 1910
Died: April 21
Aphorist
Author
Autobiographer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Opinion Journalist
Prosaist
Science Fiction Writer
Teacher
Florida
Missouri
Samuel Langhorne Clemens
Samuel L. Clemens
Samuel Clemens
Would
Atheistic
Atheism
Christianity
Religious
Religion
Christian
Christ
Thing

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There is a great difference between feeding parties to wild beasts and stirring up their finer feelings in an inquisition. One is the system of degraded barbarians, the other of enlightened civilized people.
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The piano may do for love-sick girls who lace themselves to skeletons, and lunch on chalk, pickles and slate pencils, but give me the banjo.
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Probably there is an imperceptible touch of something permanent that one feels instinctively to adhere to true humour, whereas wit may be the mere conversational shooting up of smartness--a bright feather, to be blown into space the second after it is launched...Wit seems to be counted a very poor relation to Humour....Humour is never artifici
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Courage is not the absence of fear, but the mastery of it.
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At noon I observed a bevy of nude young native women bathing in the sea, and I went and sat down on their clothes to keep them from being stolen.
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Man can seldom - very, very, seldom - fight a winning fight against his training the odds are too heavy.
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It makes one hope and believe that a day will come when, in the eye of the law, literary property will be as sacred as whiskey, or any other of the necessaries of life. It grieves me to think how far more profound and reverent a respect the law would have for literature if a body could only get drunk on it.
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Love seems the swiftest, but it is the slowest of all growths. No man or woman really knows what perfect love is until they have been married a quarter of a century.
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In India, 'cold weather' is merely a conventional phrase and has come into use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish between weather which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which will only make it mushy.
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Whenever a copyright law is to be made or altered, then the idiots assemble.
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Switzerland is simply a large, lumpy, solid rock with a thin skin of grass stretched over it.
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Never miss an opportunity to shut up.
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Now and then we had a hope that if we lived and were good, God would permit us to be pirates.
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Nothing is so ignorant as a man's left hand, except a lady's watch.
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A person that started in to carry a cat home by the tail was gitting knowledge that was always going to be useful to him, and warn't ever going to grow dim or doubtful.
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The frankest and freest product of the human mind and heart is a love letter the writer gets his limitless freedom of statement and expression from his sense that no stranger is going to see what he is writing.
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Benaras is older than history, older than tradition, older even than legend, and looks twice as old as all of them put together!
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Well, Ben Rogers, if I was as ignorant as you I wouldn't let on.
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Who is this Renaissance? Where did he come from? Who gave him permission to cram the Republic with his execrable daubs?
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Broad, wholesome, charitable views .. can not be acquired by vegetating in one's little corner of the earth.
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