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The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened.

Mark Twain

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Mark Twain
Age: 74 †
Born: 1835
Born: November 30
Died: 1910
Died: April 21
Aphorist
Author
Autobiographer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Opinion Journalist
Prosaist
Science Fiction Writer
Teacher
Florida
Missouri
Samuel Langhorne Clemens
Samuel L. Clemens
Samuel Clemens
Clearly
Older
Happened
Age
Remember
Things
Never
Aging

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There are some natures which never grow large enough to speak out and say a bad act is a bad act, until they have inquired into the politics or the nationality of the man who did it.
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Damn these human beings if I had invented them I would go hide my head in a bag.
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All large political doctrines are rich in difficult problems - problems that are quite above the average citizen's reach. And that is not strange, since they are also above the reach of the ablest minds in the country after all the fuss and all the talk, not one of those doctrines has been conclusively proven to be the right one and the best.
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It is better to take what does not belong to you than to let it lie around neglected.
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I do not wish any reward but to know I have done the right thing.
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Go to bed early, get up early-this is wise.
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I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places.
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Surely the ass who invented the first religion ought to be the first ass damned
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But the elastic heart of youth cannot be compressed into one constrained shape long at a time.
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No public interest is anything other or nobler than a massed accumulation of private interests.
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Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.
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God, so atrocious in the Old Testament, so attractive in the New--the Jekyl and Hyde of sacred romance.
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In early times some sufferer had to sit up with a toothache, and he put in the time inventing the German language.
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You cannot have all chiefs you gotta have Indians too. Perfect love cannot be without equality. A friend to everybody and to nobody is the same thing. We are all alike, on the inside.
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Humor is the great thing, the saving thing after all. The minute it crops up, all our hardnesses yield, all our irritations, and resentments flit away, and a sunny spirit takes their place.
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Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
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If there is one thing that is really cheerful in the world, it is cheerfulness. I have noticed it often. And I have noticed that when a man is right down cheerful, he is seldom unhappy for the time being. Such is the nature of man.
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If you've got a nice fresh corpse, fetch him out!
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Explaining humor is a lot like dissecting a frog, you learn a lot in the process, but in the end you kill it.
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No child should be permitted to grow up without exercise for imagination. It enriches life for him. It makes things wonderful and beautiful.
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