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The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened.

Mark Twain

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Mark Twain
Age: 74 †
Born: 1835
Born: November 30
Died: 1910
Died: April 21
Aphorist
Author
Autobiographer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Opinion Journalist
Prosaist
Science Fiction Writer
Teacher
Florida
Missouri
Samuel Langhorne Clemens
Samuel L. Clemens
Samuel Clemens
Aging
Clearly
Older
Happened
Age
Remember
Things
Never

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None of us can have as many virtues as the fountain-pen, or half its cussedness but we can try.
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I have a religion-but you will call it blasphemy. It is that there is a God for the rich man but none for the poor.....Perhaps your religion will sustain you,will feed you-I place no dependence in mine. Our religions are alike, though, in one respect-neither can make a man happy when he is out of luck.
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Every time you stop a school, you will have to build a jail.
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The kingly office is entitled to no respect. It was originally procured by the highwayman's methods. It remains a perpetuated crime, can never be anything but the symbol of a crime. It is no more entitled to respect than is the flag of a pirate.
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Start it at no particular time of your life wander at your free will all over your life talk only about the thing which interests you for the moment drop it the moment its interest threatens to pale.
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I have been an author for 20 years and an ass for 55.
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I never made a success of a lecture delivered in a church yet. People are afraid to laugh in a church. They can't be made to do it in any possible way.
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A banquet is probably the most fatiguing thing in the world except ditch digging.
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Every citizen of the republic ought to consider himself an unofficial policeman, and keep unsalaried watch and ward over the laws and their execution.
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We have infinite trouble in solving man-made mysteries it is only when we set out to discover the secret of God that our difficulties disappear.
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It is higher and nobler to be kind.
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Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.
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I wrote 'Tom Sawyer' and 'Huck Finn' for adults exclusively, and it always distressed me when I find that boys and girls have been allowed access to them. The mind that becomes soiled in youth can never again be washed clean.
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Never knew before what eternity was made for. It is to give some of us a chance to learn German.
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The cost of living hasn't effected its popularity.
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The only certainties in life are death and taxes.
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The introduction of homeopathy forced the old school doctor to stir around and learn something of a rational nature about his business. You may honestly feel grateful that homeopathy survived the attempts of the allopaths to destroy it.
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Teaching is like trying to hold 35 corks underwater at once.
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I like a good story well told. That is the reason I am sometimes forced to tell them myself.
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I was educated once - it took me years to get over it.
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