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April 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four.

Mark Twain

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Mark Twain
Age: 74 †
Born: 1835
Born: November 30
Died: 1910
Died: April 21
Aphorist
Author
Autobiographer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Opinion Journalist
Prosaist
Science Fiction Writer
Teacher
Florida
Missouri
Samuel Langhorne Clemens
Samuel L. Clemens
Samuel Clemens
Fool
Hundred
Humor
Four
Pranks
Upon
Reminded
Funny
April
Three
Sixty
Humorous

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No one can tell me what is a good cigar - for me. I am the only judge. People who claim to know say that I smoke the worst cigars in the world. They bring their own cigars when they come to my house.
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You can never find a Christian who has acquired this valuable knowledge, this saving knowledge, by any process but the everlasting and all-sufficient 'people say.'
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Genius has no youth, but starts with the ripeness of age and old experience.
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God could create the world in six days because he didn't have to make it compatible with the previous version. Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company
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The truth hurts, but silence kills.
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Foreigners cannot enjoy our food, I suppose, any more than we can enjoy theirs. It is not strange for tastes are made, not born. I might glorify my bill of fare until I was tired but after all, the Scotchman would shake his head and say, 'Where's your haggis?' and the Fijan would sigh and say, 'Where's your missionary?'
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I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know.
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I can live for two months on a good compliment.
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Don't you know that the very thing a man dreads is the thing that always happens?
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If you've got a nice fresh corpse, fetch him out!
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I have stopped smoking now and then, for a few months at a time, but it was not on principle, it was only to show off it was to pulverize those critics who said I was a slave to my habits and couldn't break my bonds.
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Our best built certainties are but sand-houses and subject to damage from any wind of doubt that blows
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Change is the handmaiden Nature requires to do her miracles with.
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The art of prophecy is very difficult, especially with respect to the future.
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The higher animals get their teeth without pain or inconvenience. Man gets his through months and months of cruel torture he will never get a set which can really be depended on 'till a dentist makes him one.
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I know all those people. I have friendly, social, and criminal relations with the whole lot of them.
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Man is the only animal that is cruel. It kills just for the sake of it.
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It is easy to find fault, if one has that disposition. There was once a man who, not being able to find any other fault with his coal, complained that there were too many prehistoric toads in it.
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I persuaded him to throw the dirk away and it was as easy as persuading a child to give up some bright fresh new way of killing itself.
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If you can't get a compliment any other way, pay yourself one.
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