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What is Man? Man is a noisome bacillus whom Our Heavenly Father created because he was disappointed in the monkey.

Mark Twain

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Mark Twain
Age: 74 †
Born: 1835
Born: November 30
Died: 1910
Died: April 21
Aphorist
Author
Autobiographer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Opinion Journalist
Prosaist
Science Fiction Writer
Teacher
Florida
Missouri
Samuel Langhorne Clemens
Samuel L. Clemens
Samuel Clemens
Heavenly
Created
Mankind
Creation
Father
Men
Monkey
Monkeys
Disappointed

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Ethical man: A Christian holding four aces.
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Those who say truth is stranger than fiction have wasted their time on poorly written fiction.
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... an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often picturesque liar.
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Everybody lies...every day, every hour, awake, asleep, in his dreams, in his joy, in his mourning. If he keeps his tongue still his hands, his feet, his eyes, his attitude will convey deception.
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No God and no religion can survive ridicule. No political church, no nobility, no royalty or other fraud, can face ridicule in a fair field, and live.
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Plain question and plain answer make the shortest road out of most perplexities.
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Whiskey is carried into committee rooms in demijohns and carried out in demagogues.
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Let us be grateful to Adam: he cut us out of the blessing of idleness and won for us the curse of labor.
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Conductor, when you receive a fare, Punch in the presence of the passenjare. A blue trip slip for an eight-cent fare, A buff trip slip for a six-cent fare, A pink trip slip for a three-cent fare, Punch in the presence of the passenjare! Punch, brothers! punch with care! Punch in the presence of the passenjare!
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A good lawyer knows the law a clever one takes the judge to lunch.
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Those who do not read have no advantage over those who cannot read.
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None but an ass pays a compliment and asks a favour at the same time. There are many asses.
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In love, you pay as you leave.
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When I take up one of Jane Austen's books ... I feel like a barkeep entering the kingdom of heaven. I know what his sensation would be and his private comments. He would not find the place to his taste, and he would probably say so.
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The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow.
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There are people who can do all fine and heroic things but one - keep from telling their happiness to the unhappy.
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Teaching is like trying to hold 35 corks underwater at once.
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I have been born more times than anybody except Krishna.
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The Koran does not permit Mohammedans to drink. Their natural instincts do not permit them to be moral. They say the Sultan has eight hundred wives. This almost amounts to bigamy.
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