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What is Man? Man is a noisome bacillus whom Our Heavenly Father created because he was disappointed in the monkey.

Mark Twain

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Mark Twain
Age: 74 †
Born: 1835
Born: November 30
Died: 1910
Died: April 21
Aphorist
Author
Autobiographer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Opinion Journalist
Prosaist
Science Fiction Writer
Teacher
Florida
Missouri
Samuel Langhorne Clemens
Samuel L. Clemens
Samuel Clemens
Monkey
Men
Monkeys
Disappointed
Heavenly
Created
Mankind
Creation
Father

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Do right and you will be conspicuous.
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Life should begin with age and its privileges and accumulations, and end with youth and its capacity to splendidly enjoy such advantages.
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It takes some little time to accept and realize the fact that while you have been growing old, your friends have not been standing still, in that matter.
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The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why.
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If one is honest there is no need to remember.
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Dates are hard to remember because they consist of figures figures are monotonously unstriking in appearance, and they don't take hold, they form no pictures, and so they give the eye no chance to help. Pictures are the thing. Pictures can make dates stick.
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Give a man a reputation as an early riser and he can sleep 'til noon.
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Nothing is made in vain, but the fly came near it.
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I cannot help but notice that there is no problem between us that cannot be solved by your departure.
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My mind changes often ... People who have no mind can easily be steadfast and firm, but when a man is loaded down to the guards with it, as I am, every heavy sea of foreboding or inclination, maybe of indolence, shifts the cargo.
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Don't look at the world with your hands in your pockets. To write about it you have to reach out and touch it.
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I was exceedingly delighted with the waltz, and also with the polka. These differ in name, but there the difference ceases
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I have a higher and grander standard of principle than George Washington. He could not lie I can, but I won't.
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The master minds of all nations, in all ages, have sprung in affluent multitude from the mass of the nations, and from the mass of the nation only-not from its privileged classes.
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The only difference between reality and fiction is that fiction needs to be credible.
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What work I have done I have done because it has been play. If it had been work I shouldn't have done it.
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Low comedies are written for the drawing-room, the kitchen and the stable, and if you cut out the kitchen and the stable the drawing-room can't support the play by itself.
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It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
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It's so damned humiliating.
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Unused talents gives you no advantage over someone who has no talent at all.
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