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Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.

Mark Twain

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Mark Twain
Age: 74 †
Born: 1835
Born: November 30
Died: 1910
Died: April 21
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Samuel Langhorne Clemens
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Unused talents gives you no advantage over someone who has no talent at all.
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That is a simple rule, and easy to remember. When I, a thoughtful and unblessed Presbyterian, examine the Koran, I know that beyond any question every Mohammedan is insane not in all things, but in religious matters.
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What do you think of the human mind? I mean, in case you think there is a human mind.
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There are basically two types of people. People who accomplish things, and people who claim to have accomplished things. The first group is less crowded.
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All human rules are more or less idiotic.
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What God lacks is convictions- stability of character. He ought to be a Presbyterian or a Catholic or something- not try to be everything.
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A person with a new idea is a crank until the idea succeeds.
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To forget pain is to be painless to forget care is to be rid of it to go abroad is to accomplish both.
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There are 869 different forms of lying, but only one of them has been squarely forbidden. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor.
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For all the talk you hear about knowledge being such a wonderful thing, instinct is worth forty of it for real unerringness.
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Man is without doubt the most interesting fool there is. He concedes that God made the angels immune from pain and death, and that he could have been similarly kind to man, but denies that he was under any moral obligation to do so.
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A home without a cat — and a well-fed, well-petted and properly revered cat — may be a perfect home, perhaps, but how can it prove title?
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The Germans are exceedingly fond of Rhine wines they are put up in tall, slender bottles, and are considered a pleasant beverage. One tells them from vinegar by the label.
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Humor is the good natured side of a truth.
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He had the calm confidence of a Christian with four aces.
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The human being places sexual intercourse above all other joys, but leaves it out of his heaven.
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Some civilized women would lose half their charm without dress and some would lose all of it.
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The way it is now, the asylums can hold the sane people, but if we tried to shut up the insane we should run out of building materials.
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I cannot call to mind a single instance where I have ever been irreverent, except toward the things which were sacred to other people.
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The best cure for Christianity is reading the Bible.
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