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It is easier to stay out than get out.

Mark Twain

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Mark Twain
Age: 74 †
Born: 1835
Born: November 30
Died: 1910
Died: April 21
Aphorist
Author
Autobiographer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Opinion Journalist
Prosaist
Science Fiction Writer
Teacher
Florida
Missouri
Samuel Langhorne Clemens
Samuel L. Clemens
Samuel Clemens
Smoking
Temptation
Alcohol
Achievement
Stay
Easier
Inspiration
Tempted

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The higher animals get their teeth without pain or inconvenience. Man gets his through months and months of cruel torture he will never get a set which can really be depended on 'till a dentist makes him one.
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The machine has several virtues... One may lean back in his chair and work it. It piles an awful stack of words on one page. It don't muss things or scatter ink blots around.
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Bridgeport? Said I. Camelot, Said he.
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A railroad is like a lie you have to keep building it to make it stand.
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There is no urge so great as for one man to edit another man's work.
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One holds a bottle of red wine by the neck, a woman by the waist, and a bottle of champagne by the derriere.
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The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened.
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How superbly brave is the Englishman in the presence of the awfulest forms of danger and death and how abject in the presence of any and all forms of hereditary rank.
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Explaining humor is a lot like dissecting a frog, you learn a lot in the process, but in the end you kill it.
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A man is never more truthful than when he acknowledges himself a liar.
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Never miss an opportunity to shut up.
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Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.
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I like the truth sometimes, but I don't care enough for it to hanker after it.
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Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress but I repeat myself.
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The election makes me think of a story of a man who was dying. He had only two minutes to live, so he sent for a clergyman and asked him, Where is the best place to go to? He was undecided about it. So the minister told him that each place had its advantages--heaven for climate, and hell for society.
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Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.
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If you take epitaphs seriously, we ought to bury the living and resurrect the dead.
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A monarch, when good, is entitled to the consideration which we accord to a pirate who keeps Sunday School between crimes when bad, he is entitled to none at all.
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If true, rarely beautiful. If beautiful, rarely true.
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Censorship is telling a man he can't have a steak just because a baby can't chew it.
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