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God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board.

Mark Twain

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Mark Twain
Age: 74 †
Born: 1835
Born: November 30
Died: 1910
Died: April 21
Aphorist
Author
Autobiographer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Opinion Journalist
Prosaist
Science Fiction Writer
Teacher
Florida
Missouri
Samuel Langhorne Clemens
Samuel L. Clemens
Samuel Clemens
Education
Practice
School
Insightful
Made
Sarcastic
Board
Boards
Idiot
God

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Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear.
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If the man doesn't believe as we do, we say he is a crank, and that settles it. I mean, it does nowadays, because now we can't burn him.
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Don't look at the world with your hands in your pockets. To write about it you have to reach out and touch it.
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Life becomes fully understandable only the moment we realise that we are all mad.
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In my schoolboy days I had no aversion to slavery. I was not aware there was anything wrong about it. No-one arraigned it in my hearing the local papers said nothing against it the local pulpit taught us that God approved it, that it was a holy thing, and that the doubter need only look in the Bible if he wished to settle his mind.
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As a rule we develop a borrowed European idea forward, and ... Europe develops a borrowed American idea backwards.
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I pledged myself to smoke but one cigar a day. I kept the cigar waiting until bedtime, then I had a luxurious time with it. But desire persecuted me every day and all day long. I found myself hunting for larger cigars...within the month my cigar had grown to such proportions I could have used it as a crutch.
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We are all beggars, each in his own way.
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We despise all reverences and all objects of reverence which are outside the pale of our list of sacred things. And yet, with strange inconsistency, we are shocked when other people despise and defile the things which are holy to us.
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Conscience, man's moral medicine chest.
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Figures often beguile me, particularly when I have the arranging of them myself in which case the remark attributed to Disraeli would often apply with justice and force: There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics.
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A banker is somebody who lends you an umbrella & takes it away as soon as it starts raining.
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Authorship is not a trade, it is an inspiration authorship does not keep an office, its habitation is all out under the sky, and everywhere the winds are blowing and the sun is shining and the creatures of God are free.
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I have made it a rule never to smoke more than one cigar at a time.
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There is no security in life, only opportunity.
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There is no salvation for us but to adopt Civilization and lift ourselves down to its level.
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The frankest and freest and privatest product of the human mind and heart is a love letter.
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Blasphemy? No, it is not blashphemy. If God is as vast as that, he is above blasphemy if he is as little as that, He is beneath it.
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A newspaper is not just for reporting the news as it is, but to make people mad enough to do something about it.
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None but an ass pays a compliment and asks a favour at the same time. There are many asses.
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