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We have the best government that money can buy.

Mark Twain

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Mark Twain
Age: 74 †
Born: 1835
Born: November 30
Died: 1910
Died: April 21
Aphorist
Author
Autobiographer
Humorist
Journalist
Novelist
Opinion Journalist
Prosaist
Science Fiction Writer
Teacher
Florida
Missouri
Samuel Langhorne Clemens
Samuel L. Clemens
Samuel Clemens
Sarcastic
Politics
Funny
Money
Government
Best
Sarcasm

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Canadian girls are so pretty it's a relief now and then to see a plain one.
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First catch your Boer, then kick him.
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Explaining humor is a lot like dissecting a frog, you learn a lot in the process, but in the end you kill it.
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I am not interested to know whether vivisection produces results that are profitable to the human race or doesn't...The pain which it inflicts upon unconsenting animals is the basis of my enmity toward it, and it is to me sufficient justification of the enmity without looking further.
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In the real world, nothing happens at the right place at the right time. It is the job of journalists and historians to correct that.
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I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.
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Among other common lies, we have the silent lie - the deception which one conveys by simply keeping still and concealing the truth. Many obstinate truth-mongers indulge in this dissipation, imagining that if they speak no lie, they lie not at all.
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I know all those people. I have friendly, social, and criminal relations with the whole lot of them.
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There is no character, howsoever good and fine, but it can be destroyed by ridicule, howsoever poor and witless.
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The humorous writer professes to awaken and direct your love, your pity, your kindness--your scorn for untruth, pretension, imposture....He takes upon himself to be the week-day preacher.
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There is a sumptuous variety about the New England weather... In the spring I have counted one hundred and twenty-six different kinds of weather inside of four and twenty hours.
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Really, what we want now, is not laws against crime, but a law against insanity. That is where the true evil lies.
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when you recollect something which belonged in an earlier chapter, do not go back, but jam it in where you are . Discursiveness does not hurt an autobiography in the least.
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To believe yourself brave is to be brave it is the one only essential thing.
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To be satisfied with what one has that is wealth.
Mark Twain
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My idea of our civilization is that it is a shoddy, poor thing and full of cruelties, vanities, arrogances, meannesses and hypocrisies.
Mark Twain
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I've dealt with many crises in my life, but few will ever happen.
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Few of us stand prosperity another man's I mean.
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I have found out that there ain't no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.
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Additional problems are the offspring of poor solutions.
Mark Twain