Quote

I get sort of short with people and start grumbling and clearing my throat - in honor of my father - when I'm impatient. It's very charming.

Maria Bamford

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Maria Bamford
Age: 54
Born: 1970
Born: September 3
Comedian
Film Actor
Screenwriter
Television Actor
Voice Actor
Port Hueneme
California
Maria Elizabeth Sheldon Bamford
Start
Grumbling
Father
Clearing
People
Impatient
Charming
Throat
Honor
Short
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More quotes by Maria Bamford

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I do some compassionate mindfulness every day. It's like a Buddhist thing. I tell myself that I'm doing a good job, that kind of thing. It makes me feel better.
Maria Bamford
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Some of my friends and family have tried to challenge me to do jokes that aren't as self-deprecating, where I genuinely express my own opinion in my own voice.
Maria Bamford
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People get really irritated by mental illness.
Maria Bamford
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I have received more fulfillment and adulation than I would ever know what to do with in terms of show business.
Maria Bamford
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The thing that keeps the thoughts coming back is the power that you put in the thought that you can't think of it.
Maria Bamford
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I love festivals because they seem like more of an artsy, supportive attitude - which benefits a more theatrical performer sometimes with having theater and other non-club venues, as well as the audience being filled with other artists. It's nice to be with other comics, as usually at other road gigs, I'm solo for the most part.
Maria Bamford
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I like all kinds of comedy. I like comedy that doesn't talk about real beliefs or serious thoughts, but then I also like the stuff that does. I think it just depends. It's a completely personal choice.
Maria Bamford
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My mom is very religious and she said, 'Whatever you think about all the time, that's what you worship.' If that's the case I'd like everyone to pop open their Diet Coke cans and turn to page 37 of their People Magazines. In this holy scripture, we read the parable of Ms. Valerie Bertinelli.
Maria Bamford
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Even if you're disgusting, and everyone is creeped out by you and thinks you're gross, you know, keep doing what you love!
Maria Bamford
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I can't stand makeup commercials. 'Do you need a lipstick that keeps your lips kissable?' No, I need a lipstick that gets me equal pay for equal work. How about an eye shadow that makes me stop thinking I'm too fat?
Maria Bamford
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We’re all doing the best we can and sometimes it is not that good.
Maria Bamford
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There's a reason I'm a stand-up comedian. I think there may be some laziness inherent in that job. It's the four-hour work week, on some level. I mean, I work at it, but it's not that kind of... it's just not the hours at all. So I was extremely grateful for the job. It was super, super fun, and I'm surprised that I made it.
Maria Bamford
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Sometimes I worry I don't want to get married as much as I'd like to be dipped in a vat of warm, rising bread dough.
Maria Bamford
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Younger and younger, our children are seeing the sippy-cup as half empty.
Maria Bamford
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Schizophrenia is hearing voices, not doing voices.
Maria Bamford
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I just love that part of comedy, where you see somebody's jokes develop. They try something new to see what works, and I just love that part.
Maria Bamford
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I find it creatively satisfying to write material and say it out loud in a public place, whether or not anyone's listening.
Maria Bamford
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If you're ever if you're ever thinking, “Oh, but I'm a waste of space and I'm a burden,” remember: that also describes the Grand Canyon. Why don't you have friends and family take pictures of you from a safe distance? Revel in your majestic profile?
Maria Bamford
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I feel bad about that, that I worship celebrities... but their moods create weather.
Maria Bamford
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I do wanna get married. It just sounds great. You get to go grocery shopping together, rent videos, and the kissing and the hugging and the kissing and the hugging under the cozy covers. Mmmm! But sometimes I worry that I don't wanna get married as much as I want to get dipped in a vat of warm, rising bread dough. That might feel pretty good, too.
Maria Bamford