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One of the glorious things about being a person in the world is that you don't have to worry about whether or not someone else is trying to be creepy.

Mallory Ortberg

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Mallory Ortberg
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More quotes by Mallory Ortberg

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Anyone who wants to pretend that your Huntington's disease is an invention is someone who does not have your best interests at heart.
Mallory Ortberg
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The hardest part about being ghosted is the fact that you can't deal with the ghoster directly. You just never hear from them again, and everything feels odd and incomplete.
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I agree that biphobia is real, but I think it's absolutely worth considering that someone who despises having sex with her husband - and men in general - may not be interested in men sexually.
Mallory Ortberg
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I don't know of any way to control the subject of one's dreams although I'm fairly certain there are more than a few types of psychoanalysis dedicated to the topic.
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Many fathers go their entire lives without announcing how sexy their son's old girlfriends are.
Mallory Ortberg
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Tenancy laws can be so complicated I want to make sure OP is protected as much as possible.
Mallory Ortberg
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A woman who repeatedly asks a man she knows to be gay when he's going to get married and have children is not trying to let sleeping dogs lie.
Mallory Ortberg
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Nothing good comes of reading other people's emails.
Mallory Ortberg
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Someone who responds to Please don't grope me with whining and pouting isn't a friend. He's an asshole and a predator.
Mallory Ortberg
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To stop challenging someone from using anti-gay language simply because they persist in using anti-gay language strikes me as a defeatist approach.
Mallory Ortberg
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I'm pretty sure there's no sexuality that justifies constant low-level harassment.
Mallory Ortberg
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I'm of the opinion that it is always a kind and appropriate decision to get in touch with someone who's lost a loved one to remind them that you're thinking of them and have fond memories of the deceased.
Mallory Ortberg
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Don't badger people without children into admitting the secret desire for children you're sure they have to you! Don't badger anyone! Leave the badgering to the badgers.
Mallory Ortberg
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You have a right to be treated professionally at work, and it's your supervisor's job to make sure all their employees can perform their duties comfortably and safely.
Mallory Ortberg
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If just one person touches you without your permission, stepping back and saying clearly, Please don't touch me should get them to stop.
Mallory Ortberg
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In no state in America is it legal for a landlord to demand their tenants lead a healthy lifestyle in order to rent property.
Mallory Ortberg
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There's simply no way you can tell a woman you work with that you disapprove of her relationship with her adult child, no matter how much you think it would be better for him to move out.
Mallory Ortberg
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If you go out with someone and decide you don't want to see them again, do them the courtesy of saying, Hey, I had a nice time, but I don't think things are going to work out between us. Only you can help fight ghosting.
Mallory Ortberg
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If you don't like potlucks, the solution to your problem is don't go to potlucks, not insist other people don't have them.
Mallory Ortberg
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You, too, will someday die, perhaps under inconvenient circumstances, at a time when you do not particularly wish to, and for causes that you cannot yet predict.
Mallory Ortberg