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Reconciliation is not possible when one party asks the other to obliterate all signs of their relationship.

Mallory Ortberg

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Mallory Ortberg
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More quotes by Mallory Ortberg

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A woman who repeatedly asks a man she knows to be gay when he's going to get married and have children is not trying to let sleeping dogs lie.
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Depression cannot be overcome by listing a series of good things in one's life, any more than a broken foot can be healed by thinking about all the other bones you have that aren't broken.
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I'm of the belief that dating potential is almost always an exercise in frustration.
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In no state in America is it legal for a landlord to demand their tenants lead a healthy lifestyle in order to rent property.
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There's simply no way you can tell a woman you work with that you disapprove of her relationship with her adult child, no matter how much you think it would be better for him to move out.
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To stop challenging someone from using anti-gay language simply because they persist in using anti-gay language strikes me as a defeatist approach.
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The hardest part about being ghosted is the fact that you can't deal with the ghoster directly. You just never hear from them again, and everything feels odd and incomplete.
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It's one thing to be a high achiever it's quite another to privately sneer at your girlfriend's friends after feigning friendliness because they have the misfortune to drive a bus for a living.
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As you feel increasingly comfortable around your friends, I think it's more than fine to share the basic details of your heroin addiction with them. If they seem receptive, you can feel free to talk about it in further detail if they seem judgmental or uncomfortable, you can move on to other topics.
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I agree that biphobia is real, but I think it's absolutely worth considering that someone who despises having sex with her husband - and men in general - may not be interested in men sexually.
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Not wanting to give everyone in your life one of your kidneys is not the same thing as hoping they die of kidney failure.
Mallory Ortberg
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It should go without saying that you are not doing anything wrong by having sex in your own home, and based on the care you've taken to keep things relatively quiet it's unlikely that you're violating any city noise ordinances.
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Some people give gifts in order to bewilder, confuse, and manipulate their recipients.
Mallory Ortberg
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You're right to want to minimize your compulsive physical behavior in the workplace before it bothers your co-workers, but I hope very much you can also give yourself credit for the work you're already doing.
Mallory Ortberg
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If your partner asks you if something bothers you, and something bothers you, the best thing you can do is say, Yes, it bothers me. Otherwise you create a situation where they think everything is fine, continue with the offending behavior, while you build up a secret reservoir of resentment that will eventually come pouring out, to their shock
Mallory Ortberg
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If you go out with someone and decide you don't want to see them again, do them the courtesy of saying, Hey, I had a nice time, but I don't think things are going to work out between us. Only you can help fight ghosting.
Mallory Ortberg
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Kids know when they're getting yelled at and mocked, I can assure you.
Mallory Ortberg
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You can care very much about someone without being capable of becoming their primary caregiver in the event of their parents' untimely death.
Mallory Ortberg
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If you don't like potlucks, the solution to your problem is don't go to potlucks, not insist other people don't have them.
Mallory Ortberg
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It is so tempting to return rudeness with rudeness!
Mallory Ortberg