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We are all going to die, sometimes even in the middle of a lease.

Mallory Ortberg

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Mallory Ortberg
Dies
Sometimes
Even
Going
Lease
Middle

More quotes by Mallory Ortberg

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I don't think it's a requirement that a happy, fulfilling relationship also provide the best sex of all time.
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Letting events end is not rude. Everything ends.
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I'm pretty sure there's no sexuality that justifies constant low-level harassment.
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If you don't like potlucks, the solution to your problem is don't go to potlucks, not insist other people don't have them.
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You have a right to be treated professionally at work, and it's your supervisor's job to make sure all their employees can perform their duties comfortably and safely.
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Most of us, however committed we are to our ideals, will find ourselves every now and again reading an attention-grabbing headline from the Daily Mail or some other lowest-common denominator. That's not the same thing as frequenting a site like the white supremacist Stormfront.
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To stop challenging someone from using anti-gay language simply because they persist in using anti-gay language strikes me as a defeatist approach.
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It's so difficult to figure out how to offer support and also be honest with someone you love who's in a damaging relationship without making them feel defensive and retreating even further into isolation.
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I hate to get gender essentialist, but I'm starting to think that a lot of married men have some sort of heterosexually induced dentistry aversion.
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Enjoy your relationship with your boyfriend and don't worry about the people or situations you dream about. Once you wake up, they're over let them go.
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Asexuality does not make our lives any worse or any better, we just face a different set of challenges than most sexual people.
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If you go out with someone and decide you don't want to see them again, do them the courtesy of saying, Hey, I had a nice time, but I don't think things are going to work out between us. Only you can help fight ghosting.
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Many fathers go their entire lives without announcing how sexy their son's old girlfriends are.
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You can't prevent a possible future closeness between your upcoming child and one or more of their grandparents.
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Some struggling marriages can be salvaged with hard work and counseling others should be dismantled and stripped for parts.
Mallory Ortberg
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I don't know of any way to control the subject of one's dreams although I'm fairly certain there are more than a few types of psychoanalysis dedicated to the topic.
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Nothing good comes of reading other people's emails.
Mallory Ortberg
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It is so tempting to return rudeness with rudeness!
Mallory Ortberg
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There's simply no way you can tell a woman you work with that you disapprove of her relationship with her adult child, no matter how much you think it would be better for him to move out.
Mallory Ortberg
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You can care very much about someone without being capable of becoming their primary caregiver in the event of their parents' untimely death.
Mallory Ortberg