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We are all going to die, sometimes even in the middle of a lease.

Mallory Ortberg

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Mallory Ortberg
Lease
Middle
Dies
Sometimes
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More quotes by Mallory Ortberg

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Nothing good comes of reading other people's emails.
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You're right to want to minimize your compulsive physical behavior in the workplace before it bothers your co-workers, but I hope very much you can also give yourself credit for the work you're already doing.
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I hate to get gender essentialist, but I'm starting to think that a lot of married men have some sort of heterosexually induced dentistry aversion.
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Unlike celibacy, which people choose, asexuality is an intrinsic part of who we are.
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You have a right to be treated professionally at work, and it's your supervisor's job to make sure all their employees can perform their duties comfortably and safely.
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You need to be able to express your resentment and sense of loss in a way that doesn't damage your partner.
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Not wanting to give everyone in your life one of your kidneys is not the same thing as hoping they die of kidney failure.
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Letting events end is not rude. Everything ends.
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If you’re so forgetful that you’re incapable of remembering that a co-worker isn’t pregnant on three separate occasions in as many months, I worry about your memory and cognition skills.
Mallory Ortberg
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You can't prevent a possible future closeness between your upcoming child and one or more of their grandparents.
Mallory Ortberg
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I don't think unfriending your old crush on Facebook will do much other than remove him from your Facebook feed. Don't beat yourself up over what you dream about there are a lot worse things that could slip across the transom of your unconscious mind than an old high school crush who was always nice to you.
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Someone who has a disability is not necessarily in distress. You may be embarrassing and inconveniencing someone by butting in and making assumptions.
Mallory Ortberg
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o one is right when it comes to destination weddings. It’s a big ask, requesting people take time off work and fly off to take a cruise just to see you get married, and they’re perfectly justified in saying no if they don’t have the time, the money, or simply the inclination.
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One of the glorious things about being a person in the world is that you don't have to worry about whether or not someone else is trying to be creepy.
Mallory Ortberg
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If your partner asks you if something bothers you, and something bothers you, the best thing you can do is say, Yes, it bothers me. Otherwise you create a situation where they think everything is fine, continue with the offending behavior, while you build up a secret reservoir of resentment that will eventually come pouring out, to their shock
Mallory Ortberg
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If you go out with someone and decide you don't want to see them again, do them the courtesy of saying, Hey, I had a nice time, but I don't think things are going to work out between us. Only you can help fight ghosting.
Mallory Ortberg
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Reciprocating oral sex is, in general, a very good idea!
Mallory Ortberg
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Enjoy your relationship with your boyfriend and don't worry about the people or situations you dream about. Once you wake up, they're over let them go.
Mallory Ortberg
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Kids know when they're getting yelled at and mocked, I can assure you.
Mallory Ortberg
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I'm pretty sure there's no sexuality that justifies constant low-level harassment.
Mallory Ortberg