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Asexuality does not make our lives any worse or any better, we just face a different set of challenges than most sexual people.

Mallory Ortberg

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Mallory Ortberg
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More quotes by Mallory Ortberg

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I hate to get gender essentialist, but I'm starting to think that a lot of married men have some sort of heterosexually induced dentistry aversion.
Mallory Ortberg
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In no state in America is it legal for a landlord to demand their tenants lead a healthy lifestyle in order to rent property.
Mallory Ortberg
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I'm pretty sure there's no sexuality that justifies constant low-level harassment.
Mallory Ortberg
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It is so tempting to return rudeness with rudeness!
Mallory Ortberg
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Anyone who wants to pretend that your Huntington's disease is an invention is someone who does not have your best interests at heart.
Mallory Ortberg
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There's simply no way you can tell a woman you work with that you disapprove of her relationship with her adult child, no matter how much you think it would be better for him to move out.
Mallory Ortberg
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One of the glorious things about being a person in the world is that you don't have to worry about whether or not someone else is trying to be creepy.
Mallory Ortberg
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If you’re so forgetful that you’re incapable of remembering that a co-worker isn’t pregnant on three separate occasions in as many months, I worry about your memory and cognition skills.
Mallory Ortberg
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Don't badger people without children into admitting the secret desire for children you're sure they have to you! Don't badger anyone! Leave the badgering to the badgers.
Mallory Ortberg
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I don't think unfriending your old crush on Facebook will do much other than remove him from your Facebook feed. Don't beat yourself up over what you dream about there are a lot worse things that could slip across the transom of your unconscious mind than an old high school crush who was always nice to you.
Mallory Ortberg
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You can't prevent a possible future closeness between your upcoming child and one or more of their grandparents.
Mallory Ortberg
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You need to be able to express your resentment and sense of loss in a way that doesn't damage your partner.
Mallory Ortberg
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As you feel increasingly comfortable around your friends, I think it's more than fine to share the basic details of your heroin addiction with them. If they seem receptive, you can feel free to talk about it in further detail if they seem judgmental or uncomfortable, you can move on to other topics.
Mallory Ortberg
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Someone who responds to Please don't grope me with whining and pouting isn't a friend. He's an asshole and a predator.
Mallory Ortberg
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Reconciliation is not possible when one party asks the other to obliterate all signs of their relationship.
Mallory Ortberg
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If you don't like potlucks, the solution to your problem is don't go to potlucks, not insist other people don't have them.
Mallory Ortberg
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I don't know of any way to control the subject of one's dreams although I'm fairly certain there are more than a few types of psychoanalysis dedicated to the topic.
Mallory Ortberg
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Worrying seems like a fairly natural state of being for a parent, so feel free to worry as much as you want.
Mallory Ortberg
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There are few things more disconcerting than realizing the first date you thought went so well was in fact a dud.
Mallory Ortberg
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The hardest part about being ghosted is the fact that you can't deal with the ghoster directly. You just never hear from them again, and everything feels odd and incomplete.
Mallory Ortberg