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Not wanting to give everyone in your life one of your kidneys is not the same thing as hoping they die of kidney failure.
Mallory Ortberg
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Mallory Ortberg
Thing
Kidneys
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More quotes by Mallory Ortberg
You can't prevent a possible future closeness between your upcoming child and one or more of their grandparents.
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It is so tempting to return rudeness with rudeness!
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There are alternatives to pregnancy if you want another child.
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Someone who responds to Please don't grope me with whining and pouting isn't a friend. He's an asshole and a predator.
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The hardest part about being ghosted is the fact that you can't deal with the ghoster directly. You just never hear from them again, and everything feels odd and incomplete.
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Tenancy laws can be so complicated I want to make sure OP is protected as much as possible.
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Depression cannot be overcome by listing a series of good things in one's life, any more than a broken foot can be healed by thinking about all the other bones you have that aren't broken.
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I don't know of any way to control the subject of one's dreams although I'm fairly certain there are more than a few types of psychoanalysis dedicated to the topic.
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Five-foot-8 is a perfectly normal height for a woman - it's slightly but not at all unusually tall and certainly shouldn't be causing you any torment.
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Worrying seems like a fairly natural state of being for a parent, so feel free to worry as much as you want.
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If you’re so forgetful that you’re incapable of remembering that a co-worker isn’t pregnant on three separate occasions in as many months, I worry about your memory and cognition skills.
Mallory Ortberg
There's simply no way you can tell a woman you work with that you disapprove of her relationship with her adult child, no matter how much you think it would be better for him to move out.
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The mere idea of asking a family member if they intentionally stopped sending me an annual bonus makes me feel like breaking out in hives.
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You have a wonderful opportunity here to not care about something that doesn’t matter to you. Please don’t miss out on it.
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I do not think it is selfish to want to donate a kidney only to family members.
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Unlike celibacy, which people choose, asexuality is an intrinsic part of who we are.
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Reconciliation is not possible when one party asks the other to obliterate all signs of their relationship.
Mallory Ortberg
Don't badger people without children into admitting the secret desire for children you're sure they have to you! Don't badger anyone! Leave the badgering to the badgers.
Mallory Ortberg
You need to be able to express your resentment and sense of loss in a way that doesn't damage your partner.
Mallory Ortberg
In no state in America is it legal for a landlord to demand their tenants lead a healthy lifestyle in order to rent property.
Mallory Ortberg