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Kids know when they're getting yelled at and mocked, I can assure you.

Mallory Ortberg

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Mallory Ortberg
Assure
Getting
Kids
Mocked
Yelled

More quotes by Mallory Ortberg

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As you feel increasingly comfortable around your friends, I think it's more than fine to share the basic details of your heroin addiction with them. If they seem receptive, you can feel free to talk about it in further detail if they seem judgmental or uncomfortable, you can move on to other topics.
Mallory Ortberg
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Worrying seems like a fairly natural state of being for a parent, so feel free to worry as much as you want.
Mallory Ortberg
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Acting politely in front of someone black and/or gay and then making horrible claims about their intelligence or worth as human beings after they leave the room is not kindness - it's hypocrisy.
Mallory Ortberg
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o one is right when it comes to destination weddings. It’s a big ask, requesting people take time off work and fly off to take a cruise just to see you get married, and they’re perfectly justified in saying no if they don’t have the time, the money, or simply the inclination.
Mallory Ortberg
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Some struggling marriages can be salvaged with hard work and counseling others should be dismantled and stripped for parts.
Mallory Ortberg
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I agree that biphobia is real, but I think it's absolutely worth considering that someone who despises having sex with her husband - and men in general - may not be interested in men sexually.
Mallory Ortberg
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Five-foot-8 is a perfectly normal height for a woman - it's slightly but not at all unusually tall and certainly shouldn't be causing you any torment.
Mallory Ortberg
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Tenancy laws can be so complicated I want to make sure OP is protected as much as possible.
Mallory Ortberg
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I hate to get gender essentialist, but I'm starting to think that a lot of married men have some sort of heterosexually induced dentistry aversion.
Mallory Ortberg
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Some people give gifts in order to bewilder, confuse, and manipulate their recipients.
Mallory Ortberg
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Depression cannot be overcome by listing a series of good things in one's life, any more than a broken foot can be healed by thinking about all the other bones you have that aren't broken.
Mallory Ortberg
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The mere idea of asking a family member if they intentionally stopped sending me an annual bonus makes me feel like breaking out in hives.
Mallory Ortberg
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The hardest part about being ghosted is the fact that you can't deal with the ghoster directly. You just never hear from them again, and everything feels odd and incomplete.
Mallory Ortberg
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If just one person touches you without your permission, stepping back and saying clearly, Please don't touch me should get them to stop.
Mallory Ortberg
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Most of us, however committed we are to our ideals, will find ourselves every now and again reading an attention-grabbing headline from the Daily Mail or some other lowest-common denominator. That's not the same thing as frequenting a site like the white supremacist Stormfront.
Mallory Ortberg
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It's so difficult to figure out how to offer support and also be honest with someone you love who's in a damaging relationship without making them feel defensive and retreating even further into isolation.
Mallory Ortberg
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Many fathers go their entire lives without announcing how sexy their son's old girlfriends are.
Mallory Ortberg
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Diapers do not belong on the same table as food.
Mallory Ortberg
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Don't badger people without children into admitting the secret desire for children you're sure they have to you! Don't badger anyone! Leave the badgering to the badgers.
Mallory Ortberg
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You don't need to hide the fact that you're in recovery, but you don't have to share your history of addiction with acquaintances at work, either.
Mallory Ortberg