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Acting politely in front of someone black and/or gay and then making horrible claims about their intelligence or worth as human beings after they leave the room is not kindness - it's hypocrisy.

Mallory Ortberg

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More quotes by Mallory Ortberg

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Reconciliation is not possible when one party asks the other to obliterate all signs of their relationship.
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If your partner asks you if something bothers you, and something bothers you, the best thing you can do is say, Yes, it bothers me. Otherwise you create a situation where they think everything is fine, continue with the offending behavior, while you build up a secret reservoir of resentment that will eventually come pouring out, to their shock
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The mere idea of asking a family member if they intentionally stopped sending me an annual bonus makes me feel like breaking out in hives.
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If you go out with someone and decide you don't want to see them again, do them the courtesy of saying, Hey, I had a nice time, but I don't think things are going to work out between us. Only you can help fight ghosting.
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If you’re so forgetful that you’re incapable of remembering that a co-worker isn’t pregnant on three separate occasions in as many months, I worry about your memory and cognition skills.
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Enjoy your relationship with your boyfriend and don't worry about the people or situations you dream about. Once you wake up, they're over let them go.
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It can't hurt to have a backup.
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Reciprocating oral sex is, in general, a very good idea!
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Many fathers go their entire lives without announcing how sexy their son's old girlfriends are.
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Tenancy laws can be so complicated I want to make sure OP is protected as much as possible.
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Not wanting to give everyone in your life one of your kidneys is not the same thing as hoping they die of kidney failure.
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There are few things more disconcerting than realizing the first date you thought went so well was in fact a dud.
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Five-foot-8 is a perfectly normal height for a woman - it's slightly but not at all unusually tall and certainly shouldn't be causing you any torment.
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I'm pretty sure there's no sexuality that justifies constant low-level harassment.
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In no state in America is it legal for a landlord to demand their tenants lead a healthy lifestyle in order to rent property.
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If just one person touches you without your permission, stepping back and saying clearly, Please don't touch me should get them to stop.
Mallory Ortberg
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One of the glorious things about being a person in the world is that you don't have to worry about whether or not someone else is trying to be creepy.
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You have a right to be treated professionally at work, and it's your supervisor's job to make sure all their employees can perform their duties comfortably and safely.
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Kids know when they're getting yelled at and mocked, I can assure you.
Mallory Ortberg
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As you feel increasingly comfortable around your friends, I think it's more than fine to share the basic details of your heroin addiction with them. If they seem receptive, you can feel free to talk about it in further detail if they seem judgmental or uncomfortable, you can move on to other topics.
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