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Acting politely in front of someone black and/or gay and then making horrible claims about their intelligence or worth as human beings after they leave the room is not kindness - it's hypocrisy.

Mallory Ortberg

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Mallory Ortberg
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More quotes by Mallory Ortberg

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Kids know when they're getting yelled at and mocked, I can assure you.
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Some struggling marriages can be salvaged with hard work and counseling others should be dismantled and stripped for parts.
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You don't need to hide the fact that you're in recovery, but you don't have to share your history of addiction with acquaintances at work, either.
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You can't prevent a possible future closeness between your upcoming child and one or more of their grandparents.
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If you go out with someone and decide you don't want to see them again, do them the courtesy of saying, Hey, I had a nice time, but I don't think things are going to work out between us. Only you can help fight ghosting.
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Asexuality does not make our lives any worse or any better, we just face a different set of challenges than most sexual people.
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It can't hurt to have a backup.
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It should go without saying that you are not doing anything wrong by having sex in your own home, and based on the care you've taken to keep things relatively quiet it's unlikely that you're violating any city noise ordinances.
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There are few things more disconcerting than realizing the first date you thought went so well was in fact a dud.
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Enjoy your relationship with your boyfriend and don't worry about the people or situations you dream about. Once you wake up, they're over let them go.
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Don't badger people without children into admitting the secret desire for children you're sure they have to you! Don't badger anyone! Leave the badgering to the badgers.
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Anyone who wants to pretend that your Huntington's disease is an invention is someone who does not have your best interests at heart.
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Unlike celibacy, which people choose, asexuality is an intrinsic part of who we are.
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I don't think unfriending your old crush on Facebook will do much other than remove him from your Facebook feed. Don't beat yourself up over what you dream about there are a lot worse things that could slip across the transom of your unconscious mind than an old high school crush who was always nice to you.
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I do not think it is selfish to want to donate a kidney only to family members.
Mallory Ortberg
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The hardest part about being ghosted is the fact that you can't deal with the ghoster directly. You just never hear from them again, and everything feels odd and incomplete.
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I'm pretty sure there's no sexuality that justifies constant low-level harassment.
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Nothing good comes of reading other people's emails.
Mallory Ortberg
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There are alternatives to pregnancy if you want another child.
Mallory Ortberg
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As you feel increasingly comfortable around your friends, I think it's more than fine to share the basic details of your heroin addiction with them. If they seem receptive, you can feel free to talk about it in further detail if they seem judgmental or uncomfortable, you can move on to other topics.
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